Signs of desire...

No. Not that kind of desire.

A friend emails an apple Macbook advertisement to me today saying "I think it is a sign from God."

Me: "No. It is not a sign from God. It is an advertisement from Apple."

How change avoidance can hurt everyone...

In the last half hour I have received over 1000 emails. All of them Non-Delivery Reports (NDRs). Fortunately the email service provider I chose for my domain has an amazing spam filter. :-) They all went there. Just a couple made it to my inbox. What is a Non-Delivery Report?

An NDR is a something an email servers sends back to the address listed in the from: field of an email when it cannot deliver the message it received. It is a kind of neighborly thing to do right? The problem is that there is no real authentication done on the email to ensure it was me (or you) that sent it. It's called spoofing.

Starting back in 2002/2003 I configured email servers I worked on not to send NDRs. It was being used as a way of enumerating users of the email server and there was some of what I'm currently seeing going on. Not many people agreed, but maybe they might start doing it now. I'm starting to see this on my account, but I see it at work too. Massive amounts of NDRs pouring in. Get it yet? Ok, hang on.

If I can send a spam message to an email server addressed to a non-existent user and the email server sends back the message to the sender listed in an NDR, then the spammer can send 10 million emails that way. Getting clearer? Users open the NDRs because they may be curious why an email came back undelivered. Spammer mission accomplished, target opened email.

The problem in the past has been that a spammer would need to send these out from their IP address or someone else's, but the volume would be quickly noticed and probably shutdown. With botnets that changes some. Now, spammers can send out a few emails from hundreds of thousands of systems. Getting clearer yet? Keep going...

Any time that someone can get your computer (server or workstation) to send out packets that you didn't intend, then they can use your computer in a network based attack. If I can get 10,000 systems to send out 10000 emails to thousands of email servers that send NDRs and direct them at one recipient, then I've got a bit of a Distributed Denial of Service (DDOS) action going on. This has been done before with pings. It is hard to stop because people treat email as holy oxygen they cannot live without and it comes from hundreds or thousands of sources.

Besides, what is your boss going to say when he cannot get confirmation that an email went through or got rejected? Is anyone going to stand up and say that the email system in use for the past couple of decades was never designed to be reliable in this environment? Is anyone going to say enough with the 90% of all email being spam? Are we ever going to stop ignoring the problem and do something about it?

There are some solutions being worked on. The problem is that there are, of course, two factions that are so diametrically opposed that they will never cooperate. It is worse than Bluray and HD DVD. As for me I see a much simpler solution.

SSL.

The code is available, tested, and reliable. We use it for web browsing. Why not email? It can authenticate the remote web server the same way our browsers authenticate secure sites we do business with. It will encrypt all data in transit. EASY.

What's the problem? SSL certificates cost over $100 dollars a year (sometimes much more) to obtain and maintain. Why? A trusted certificate authority needs to validate your identity before issuing one. Certificates are tied to host names, so organizations with many mail servers may need to buy multiple certificates. If it was changed to just the domain name then that might be a viable work around. Many individuals run their own mail servers and they don't want to fork over the money, or possibly don't want to go through the hassle.

My spam filter catches them. Not many others do. And apparently most system admins don't really care that their bandwidth, processing, and storage is being used by someone else.

xkcd.com

Ok, after some over zealous posting, fretting, removing, research, etc. I present to you the funny, intelligent, and thought provoking work of Randall Munroe of xkcd.com:



Go there, enjoy...You might not come back. :-)

About xkcd.com

bumper sticker seen recently

"You don't have to believe everything you think"

I am evil:

I love practical jokes. I love being cynical and sarcastic too. A very recent conversation went something like this:

A friend was having trouble with a slow computer. This friend was getting help from several people. Too many cooks can really kill a computer. :-) My suggestion, like usual, use one of a couple of online virus scanners that I recommend. It is like getting a second opinion from a doctor.

The results were not so good, but it appears recoverable.

I start listing my recommendations:

Me: "You need to do a couple of things. First, make sure the program deleted the files, then empty the recycle bin. Then go to http://update.microsoft.com, install the latest patches, and run the scan again."

Friend: "Windows XP sp3"

Me: "Shit. UM Yes. Do it. Some people are having problems with it, we'll know soon if yours will be one or not. I don't think your system fits the profile though. We need to make sure it is fully patched. Also, you're not going to like my next recommendation. No one ever does."

Friend: "What is it?"

Me: "You need to run as a non-privileged account. You see running as....YADAyadayadayada....blah blah blah...waaa waaa waaa...ramble ramble ramble"
{computer/network security/forensics, etc, is what I do for a living, I can talk for days about it}

Friend: {somewhat interrupting} "You've told me this before, a couple of years ago, does anyone ever listen to you or take your advice?"

Me: "No."

Friend: "Doesn't that annoy you?"

Me: "No."

Friend: "Ok, so SP3 is installing. Can I go put my children to bed and call you later?"

Me: "No. Once we start the installation it is very important that you stay on the phone and next to the computer until it is completely done. It may be a couple of hours, but we have to do it."

Friend: {PAUSE}

Friend: {PAUSE}

Friend: "Are you serious?"

Me: "No! Go do whatever you need to. Just reboot when it is done, go back check for more updates, then run the online virus scan again and make sure it is clean. You can call me later or tomorrow or whenever." {Now I'm laughing}

Friend: {LAUGHING}

Who knows, maybe my little jokes like that keep people from taking me seriously? :-)

things just don't always go as planned....and they didn't warn me Saturday so it's not my fault...mostly....

It started with a conversation at dinner Thursday. Soccer and Ultimate frisbee. Both on Sundays. I mentioned the soccer league to a friend at work and he said they had one in Chesapeake on Saturday afternoons, coed. He said he would send the info to me. So Saturday morning I'm up at my usual 5am for some reason, writing in the blog, doing chores and getting ready for winefest, making a list of stuff and putting things together in a backpack. The emails came in about the games a little after 8am. Basically, be there at the field at 3:30 to get on a team. My calculations were fairly simple, get to winefest, spend a couple of hours sharing a couple of bottles of wine, leave about 2:45, suit up and play soccer, go to dinner with my friend and his family, then share a movie with a another friend. Innocent right? Was planning to sleep in Sunday, which sadly means until around 7am or so, get my son in the afternoon, then play ultimate pickup games in Norfolk near ODU.

So what really happened?

Well, got to winefest and the weather was cold and drizzly. It wasn't crowded. I grabbed two bottles and settled in to talk to folks, take pictures, and stuff. At 2:45 I leave for the soccer field. I get there right on time and find the organizer, Mindy. I get selected for a team, but it isn't my friend's team. So I'm watching the first game and few things occur to me. First, it is nearly a full sized field. Not like the indoor soccer I played in the winter. In fact, I haven't played soccer on a full sized field since I was in fifth grade. Um, 1979 or so. The other thing I see is people limping on the field after being kicked in the shins. They have shin guards on. I don't even own such things. At 6'2", with broad shoulders, I generally rely on the intimidation factor to keep people from kicking me. No one ever tries to run me over either. It worked in indoor soccer. I decided to head to Wal-Mart to get some though. I had time. Or so I thought. It really wouldn't have been a problem, except I spent more time in line than getting there and back. Rebecca writes often about Wal-Mart Navigation in Tulsa, OK I think. She should have been here for this. Aside from the whole calamity of cascading errors at the register for the people in front of me...I didn't really pay attention to street signs on the way out. I didn't run but one or two people off the road going the wrong way getting out. I bent a few other rules on those wide open back country roads out that way too. I made it back in time, but just barely. I'm taking oxygen for the game next week. I need to start running again. I have all the grace of a stampeding elephant out there. Again, my only asset is the fear factor I bring when running straight at someone and it OBVIOUS I cannot stop. I'm going to cause grave damage if YOU don't move. My knees are not used to the quick stops and changes in direction you see. We won. I was not a factor in that at all, but I had serious fun and I loved every minute (even though I was a serious detriment to the team).

What happened after the game was not my fault. I didn't plan it. Nobody warned me, and they should have, because they knew.

"So, are you coming to AJ Gators?" Sure, why not. My friend and his family are trying to get into a monster truck show down on the beach. It isn't likely I'm going to catch up with them for dinner, so I figured I'll have some pub grub type stuff, a beer, and head over to watch a movie as planned. I'm flexible, my son is at his grandparents, so why not? We had a blast at Gators, and it just kept going. I got to talk with a number of other players, got to totally hose up what little German I know with one guy who is from Germany, had a couple of watered down margaritas (I'd rather pay full price and get a real margarita, I don't know why I did it) and helped with a few pitchers of Blue Moon. We were having a blast and it was becoming apparent I wasn't going to make it to the movie, at least not without assistance. The group then decided we needed to sing. So the entourage moved to a bar down the street that does Karaoke. The group decided it was time for a series of serious shots to lubricate the vocal cords. The group sang, danced, laughed, and had serious fun on the way back to sobriety. If I say "the group" then it is like mob mentality and takes the responsibility away from me right? When the lights came on at 2am, we moved to Ihop, talked, ate, etc.

My day started with good intentions, a good plan, at 5am. My day ended when I got back to the house at 4am. Some how, I need to figure out how to fill that last hour with something other than sleep! I did have a blast the whole day though. Made some new friends in the process. The friend that invited me out for soccer...knew about the group that goes to Gators....and he didn't warn me. I was unprepared. I'm going to talk to him at work Monday.

So, three hours after collapsing, I wake up and get moving again. I went back out to Chesapeake to see the family I was supposed to see the night before. We had breakfast, talked, I worked on some viruses on their computers, and played some basketball with my friend (totally ridiculous now, nothing like when we were in high school).

I did have a two hour nap this afternoon, worked on this, and now at 6pm, I'm going to get my son!

I hope you had as much fun this weekend as I did, and that yours was more restful.

Happy Mother's Day.

PS:
For the bonus round....I got to spend an hour with my son's great grandparents (his mother's grandparents). They are really amazing people. 90 years old this year. Always nice to see the world from their perspective.

Song currently on repeat....

A close friend gave me a cd recently. There are good songs on it, but this one strikes a strong cord and ends up on repeat while I'm just milling about the house. It is raining right now in Va Beach. The rain, the ocean, and getting away are all strong metaphors for me right now. Some people say a picture is worth a thousand words. It is true, but I also feel that a word, or a phrase can be worth a thousand thoughts, memories, and pictures of it's own. Rain. Ocean. Both bring up DECADES of sensory impressions of sight, sound, smells, touch, tastes, poems, emotions. Both are tied deeply to my earliest memories. I've always lived near an ocean, Pacific and Atlantic. I love to swim in the ocean, like the sea otters and sea lions in Monterey (really, that is what I feel like when I'm out there), making waves into roller coasters, or just floating with extremities fully extended when it is calm.


Into The Ocean
by Blue October

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)




I lent my son my shuffle for his school trip to DC recently. There is an eclectic mix of music on there as I listen to it while I run or other aerobic exercise. I added Boomtown Rats "I don't like Mondays" recently. My son sings it all the time now. He wants me to get the sheet music to play it on the piano. :-) So do I, but it isn't that easy. The one book I found that has it is no longer in print.

This week, Mother's day, and stuff...

Took the Sangria to Kickball Wednesday night. It was well received. For luck, our kickers were given the sacred fruit from the mix. :-) It was a moral victory as we held the best and highest scoring team to just 6 runs.

Thursday was the World Dinner Tour with Meetin. We went to a Thai restaurant in Norfolk. My son likes some asian foods, but isn't crazy about them. I wasn't sure how he was going to do with this. As it was, he did fine. Chicken Pad Thai for him, and Erawan Pad Thai for me. We both had Thai tea, and we had fried banana's and ice cream for dessert. It was a fun night with friends and a bit of a culinary adventure for him.

Friday I took my son to his mom's parents for the weekend and I helped host a happy hour with meetin afterwards. That was a lot of fun, a great time with friends, and a relaxing way to wind down the week. It's been a good week at work since we got a new engineer to help me out, and there were a number of people gone this week.

Saturday is winefest in Norfolk. It's gonna be a great time. I have a long time friend coming into town this weekend so I'll be having dinner with his family Saturday night.

Sunday is Mother's day. There are a lot of extraordinary Mom's out there and I hope it is a special day for all of you. My mom died from cancer in February 2001. I'll post the following poem every year for Mother's Day. It's written by a person whose comic strip I read everyday. To me it describes how our relationships with our moms may not always be perfect, and we may not always know quite how to express our feelings, but time is always always too short.

by J.D. Frazer

Motherhood, O Gordian Rite,
Chafed with paints of life,
A canvas thick with lighter oils,
Yet stained by Quiet Strife.

Ideal heights, and high ideals,
Make us aim for steeples.
I try, you try, to clutch our bond,
Yet prove we’re different people.

Words, O Words, what they can say,
Real things not just tokens!
Yet sometimes thought departs my mind,
And wrong words become spoken.

A Turn of phrase I cannot quoth,
Nor proffer due salute,
So gifts I give to speak for me,
A poet fallen mute.

Due words I mightn’t ever say,
And you mightn’t always see,
Yet when time arrives to take your hand,
I’ll say time stole you from me.

A couple of things....

Pitcher of Sangria is "aging" in the fridge. Grand Marnier (a cup or so), a bottle of Poizin Zinfandel (which despite the name and skull/crossbones is delicious), 1 cup raspberries, 1 cup blueberries, 1 cup blackberries, 8 strawberries (quartered), 2 kiwis sliced and quartered, some apricot halves quartered, 6 tables spoons water and 6 tablespoons raw cane sugar. Boil water and sugar over medium heat until sugar dissolves (er, I went a little longer and it kinda came out like melted hard candy). Combine fruit in a bowl. Put sugar-water, Grand Marnier, Wine, and some apricot juice in a pitcher. Stir. Add fruit, stir more. I sampled some on the way...and a little at the end. I can feel it. I'm a light weight though. I could get used to the Grand Marnier...I'm supposed to let the whole thing sit in the fridge for up to 12 hours, then add 1.5 cups sparkling water. Serve immediately with 1/3 cup fruit in each glass,ice, then pour the liquid over it. It's going to be a good day tomorrow. :-)

There is another thing, hence "A couple of things" but the other I'm having trouble with so not going there right now. It has something to do with Cozumel, Mexico and a travel / diving partner.

This weekend....

Brought a lot of much needed sunshine!

Friday night was the Asperger's kids game night. Brandon was reticent to go, but when he got there he had a blast. A lot of kids with practically no rules. It was awesome. The mother of my best friend from high school was there. She is raising her grandson (an unfortunate series of events) and it was her first meeting. It was interesting to watch and to listen to the parents. They all deal with the same school personnel, they all have the same issues, and yet this group is the first time they have all met.

Saturday I had to drag my son out of bed at 9am so that we could get sandwiches and things together for our hike. We met with two other people from Meetin.org and did a 3 mile hike. The weather was awesome. My son stepped right over a water snake sunning itself on the path. I picked it up so we could all get a closer look at it. Being scared, it defecated, on me. Then it reeked. I washed my hands constantly the rest of the day to get the stench off my hands. One person brought two puppies along...and that was their walk for the week. I may have a picture of the snake in a day or two, waiting for the person with the camera to email them to me.

We also went to go see Iron Man Saturday night. Lots of action, a little too much on the sex side, but it was good and really funny.

Sunday was work day. 10-5 was non-stop raking and mowing, trying to get the backyard into shape. I hadn't raked leaves back there all winter. I paid for that. The patio is cleaned up, sticks are ready to burn, leaves are out front, and the lawn got completely trimmed. I got a fire bowl at Lowes expressly for the purpose of burning the sticks, but I have to remove a branch from a tree before I can really use it. I have to put down some grass seed in a few places. We got some bird feeders, a weed eater/edger (which I desperately needed), and a new patio table. I seriously need to trim some hedges and some branches. I probably need to remove at least one more bush entirely too. Doing so may produce a spot for a nice herb garden. Not that I know the first thing about such a beast, but I know I like fresh basil and mint.

I need to figure out the best way to drive off mosquitoes.

What didn't get done Sunday was making Sangria. I saved some recipes from the local paper. Virginia apparently just repealed a law that forbade the mixing of wine and stronger alcohols. So with some nice non-tannin red wine, some brandy or other spirit, and some fruit, I can now legally concoct a Sangria. I have a shopping list. :-) On my list of things to do is to find a good rum cake recipe too. Now the only thing my son did all day to my complete satisfaction was clear all the papers off the table and get them into the recycle bin...which means I now need to fish out my Sangria recipes.

I need a week off from work and parenting...I really need more than that, but I'll start with a week. :-)

Have a great week!

Frustrations and mountain climbing....

If you have enough mole hills, you have a mountain. Ever played whack a mole? I'm pretty good. I win prizes at Bush Gardens for it. My day to day life is all about whack a mole. I even have moles in my yard, for real. Mole hills every where, whack a mole, whack a mole. At work the moles currently whack us, there are so many.

I've been to the top of the Rocky Mountains, the Sierra Nevada Mountains, The Blue Ridge Mountains, the Smoky Mountains, the White Mountains, and some mountain range near Bergen, Norway. There are still more mountains I would love to see and climb, but there are about 3 million mole hills in the way, and the largest mountain ever I'm still in the process of scaling. I meet a lot of other mountain climbers on the way. Each has a route picked out, and appear to be doing well. I'm struggling. Some say they have the big picture and offer advice, and like the tale of the man, the boy, and the donkey try to take it in only to realize they don't have the big picture, are climbing a different mountain, and are trying for a whole different objective. Mostly I could use a push now and then. I get easily distracted and start sliding backwards or get way off track. It is who I am. I don't need arm chair quarterbacks telling me what I need to do. I don't need criticism. In most cases I really don't need advice as I know where I want to go and how to get there. I need those arm chair people to throw a few blocks, stop a blitz, etc. I need some help whacking a few moles now and then.

One thing I've learned about hiking and climbing is that when you get to the top of one mountain, you look around and realize, rather dishearteningly, that there are a lot of other mountains on the other side. It's a good thing I like to climb mountains.

In 2002 I had to do some installs in Utah. I was going out for a week. My first trip to the Rocky Mountains and I was salivating. I packed up my snowboard and computer gear and flew out with child like anticipation. It was 70 degrees Sunday evening when I landed in Salt Lake City and every ski resort south of Vancouver BC was closed with one possible exception, Snow Bird, who said they may be open the following weekend. While I worked during the week the conditions had changed drastically. Basically a storm system rolled in Monday and kept rolling. It snowed non-stop at Snow Bird and when I got there Friday it was the best snowboarding ever. Deep, fresh powder everywhere. Saturday brought more of the same, only fierce. It was snowing a blizzard at the top of the mountain. Some people came down from the top of the mountain and said it was like a hurricane up there. I've been through hurricanes I thought...It surely can't be like that. So I went up. Traversing the lifts on the way up was very eerie. Each jaunt was less and less populated. When I go the lift to go to the top it was utterly deserted in every sense of the word. I think even the attendants left. It was windy, and visibility was almost about the length of my arm. The sign said experts only, conditions extremely hazardous. I didn't really know what that meant so I kept going. My gloves nearly froze to the bar on the way up. They were crackling so bad I thought they might break, but I was having trouble moving them so no chance of that happening. I was cold. The wind was furious. I couldn't see anything. I didn't know which way to go. I went up, then back down, then back up. I realized I was going to freeze if I didn't do something, so I pointed the board down to where the trees (I think they were trees) seemed most sparse. At points on the way down I found myself in waist to chest high drifts of powder. I didn't just want to go straight down because there are cliffs around...and I couldn't see anything. At one point I saw another person, a person shaped darkened outline sliding past. I shouted "Do you know where you are going? Do you know how to get down?" They answered "NO." And then I started laughing.

Why all of this for this post? I'm in that blizzard right now and can't see a damn thing. I can feel the slope, but can't see the pitfalls so I'm moving slow and cautious. Most of you reading this probably are too. I may not be able to give direction, and if most people are honest then they know they really have no idea how to get me where I want to go too, but I can offer a cup of coffee, a beer, a nice Cabernet Sauvignon or Chianti (Purple teeth are funny and the wine is really good), a fleece or a jacket, some conversation, a shovel and some muscle behind it help dig you out of a drift. I have a lot of tools that I have accumulated and can fix most any toy, electrical, or mechanical problem, but I'm horrible with people and relationships. I'm great with improvisation and impulsivity, but terrible at planning. I'm so easily distracted and overwhelmed that I'm a true hazard to myself. :-)

Off to hike....the blog has distracted me enough this morning!!!!

Thursday....

Testing went well this morning...I think. I spent about 10-15 mins discussing my issues with the assessments versus what I was looking for. I'm not sure how you diagnose neurological and sensory disorders with IQ and ADHD oriented testing...and I let them know that. We should have the results in two weeks.

Today was also the first day of my son's new daycare. It went well by all counts. Once they get used to him, and he to them, things will change. Hopefully he can last long enough to make it to the summer.

Things keep degrading at work too. Hopefully I outlast the issues and things start to turn around. I'm not optimistic. We've essentially drowned at this point...just waiting to be fished out and declared dead.

Mom and Kids in the road...

The other day I was taking my son back to school from a doctor's appointment. There was starting to be a big back up in a major intersection, but I was able to get a view as to what was happening. Apparently a young mother had become disoriented and was wandering about in the intersection, in traffic, with about seven young children in tow. It was creating quite a problem, but fortunately most drivers were aware and taking action not to hit them. A couple of people got out of their cars to stop traffic and get the mom and children out of harms way. Hopefully they are still doing well and got to where they were going. Hopefully the return trip was less eventful. The mother in this case was a Duck, and the children were her clutch of ducklings.

Spring produces so many teachable moments for our own children. Thank goodness my son is rather oblivious to the various pairing and mating rituals of the many animals around the neighborhood here.

This morning my son says "Dad, our bird sounds just like a smoke detector." Me, "No, that is the smoke detector." For some odd reason the ones I use just start chirping for no readily apparent reason. Not alarming, but chirping. New batteries do not help, however I think I solved the mystery. They may have a timer that makes them chirp every couple of months so that you TEST them. Once I tested them and endured their piercing high decimal wail, all seems fine. If I had been smart I would have used them to wake up my son this morning.... :-) Not really, but it wouldn't have worked anyway. I basically have to pull him out of bed, stand him upright, and play puppet master to get him into the bathroom where the light and the promise of hot water normally starts to wake him up.

Affirmation

Friday of last week my son was asked to leave his daycare and not come back. It couldn't have happened at a worse time. I had a major event happening at work that I NEEDED to be there for. Fortunately the people I work with really stepped up and I was able to work abbreviated hours and work from home. I took Friday off to get work done on my vehicles and get my son signed up for daycare at a new place.

I cannot express how disheartening it is when you do a search for daycare in your area for the school your child will go to, and your OWN blog shows up third on the list.

With everything happening with my son and work over the past few weeks I have been dying for some help, or at least some camaraderie. The problem is that neither the schools nor the physicians can tell you what other parents are having similar issues. Part of the reason I started this blog in the first place was to see if other parents had similar problems with their children. Since no one could recommend a group I was about to create my own. I went to meetup.com and started searching for local groups of parents with special needs children. I almost gave up and was going to start one when I found a local Asperger's support team group. I joined. I went to my first meeting with them this morning (Saturday morning). I have been searching for so long to have other local people to talk about IEPs, 504s, administrators, doctors, etc. I have been searching for other parents with children like mine, people that have seen what I see in my son and don't look at me like I'm crazy person when I tell them what he does, people that can even explain WHY my son does some of what he does. So I sat in Panera Bread and listened to eight other parents talk about their problems with their children, and I thought they all were describing my son. The tantrums, the idiosyncrasies, the noises, everything. We talked for two hours about the kids, sharing ideas about how to deal with certain problems for Asperger's and for ADHD. We talked about how to deal with school systems and doctors, especially military. I'm not military, but most of the parents are....and I grew up with it so I can relate.

It was so nice to share with parents that understand.

So I have a lot of work to do over the next few weeks with my son, his doctors, and the school system.

Assumptions about single parents....

The article below highlights one of the biggest reasons why you should not listen to the religious right when it comes to families. 

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/04/15/fragmented.families.ap/index.html

"The study documents for the first time that divorce and unwed childbearing -- besides being bad for children -- are costing taxpayers a ton of money," said David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values.

"Scafidi's calculations were based on the assumption that households headed by a single female have relatively high poverty rates, leading to higher spending on welfare, health care, criminal justice and education for those raised in the disadvantaged homes. The $112 billion estimate includes the cost of federal, state and local government programs, and lost tax revenue at all levels of government."

I think that if you look at the tax brackets of single, head of household filers with at least one dependent then you do not have to make any ASSUMPTIONS.  This data should be available at the Census bureau so that assumptions don't have to be made.

I was a very big proponent of Focus on the Family and the religious right for a long time, but they are making statements and attempting to exercise power and judgment on people and situations that they do not understand.  Instead of spending time and money on a study, Jesus would have lent two working hands.  Many religious groups will not allow women into leadership roles, many will not allow men that have been divorced into leadership roles.

The article discusses how divorce is harmful to children, but what about dysfunctional and abusive marriages?

Having done my taxes as a single parent for the last six years I can tell you that single parents are already taxed at a higher rate than married couples, why penalize them more or force them into relationships that will probably end in more divorces and even more warped children?  Aren't there better solutions?  Maybe if more churches spent more time working in the communities they are in then they could have a more positive impact on the families that are splintering apart.  Maybe if more churches worked on getting irresponsible families out of debt then fewer families would be split and fewer Government resources would be needed to bail them out.  Maybe if more churches spent less time telling people how to live their lives and more time working with people and helping through the crisis they are in, then the Government could save a lot more than $112 Billion.

GRRRRRRR.  Now is the time to really bust the molds and the barriers come up with TRULY unique solutions and ideas.

--
"Until you forget what you think you know and what you think is possible, you will never know what is truly attainable."

Welcome to Holland.....

I guess this has been around for a long time. I only recently heard about it through my girlfriend...more after the story...

"by Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland. "



My son is different. His childhood is nothing like I had ever planned or hoped it would be. I had never planned on a divorce. I had also never planned to be seeing counselors, psychiatrists, etc on a weekly basis. I had never planned to do it alone. While I'm sure that I'll look back on this and see a lot of good things, it doesn't feel all that great right now. I've made a lot of mistakes trying to figure out how to deal with the uniqueness of my son. This is the time of year that things just seem much more difficult. It is the final stretch before my son goes to his mom's for the summer. I had a brief taste of that freedom this past week while he went to his mom's for spring break. Unfortunately that was tainted by the changes in my current job, a situation that is deteriorating rapidly. I spend much of my time feeling entirely exhausted, but I try to plod through things regardless. I'm also very whiny and frustrated right now, with no clear way to change the circumstances in which I find myself.

My son's return to school today was very good. No issues and he was really happy when he got home. So three very good weeks in a row on that front....going for four.

On a nearly unrelated note, I've been to Holland. Rotterdam to be precise. It was a whirlwind time for me as I had just reported to the submarine I was assigned to. Consequently I don't remember too much about it. I really wasn't planning on going, the US Navy just happened to take me there. It was a surreal experience for me. Nearly everyone looked like me. Tall, blonde or light brown hair, etc. I'm used to being able to see over most people and nearly always having an unobstructed view of things. Not there.

Free Time....

It's been a long and stressful week at work. I've worked hard not to bring it home with me. I've worked out most every day this week. I haven't over eaten so much. My son has had two exemplary weeks in a row. I forgot to mention it, but he was selected as student of the week last week. Even with the excitement of Easter, spring break, and one or more substitute teachers this week, he was awesome in school and out. Friday afternoon I took him to his mom's parents to start the trek down to see his mom for the next week.

Friday I decided to do something I hadn't done in a long time. I went and worked out, then shot basketball for an hour. I don't like to watch sports...I like to play them. Why should I watch someone else do something I love to do? It works in other areas too. I love to sing. No one likes to hear me, I'm not any good. Now I don't stalk or sulk in Karaoke bars, but I'll go with a group of friends...and I don't need to be drunk to get up and sing. I'll get up and dance at a club or a party...because I like to, not because I'm any good. Most people recognize this pretty quickly and give me some space. :-) At 6'2", if I step on you, it will hurt, if I bump into you, you might fall over. I'm not known for my grace and in basketball I've been known to foul out entirely on charges. Basketball with me can be like football without pads. I've learned in the past year to love volleyball nearly as much as basketball. I need to move somewhere like Salt Lake City where I can feed my insatiable passion for snowboarding.

So after shooting basketball I showered, grabbed my book, and headed out for sushi at the sushi bar across the street. Not very exciting, probably not worthy of a blog post, no sex, no intrigue, no politics, no philosophical insights, just a bit of relaxation with no responsibilities.

Saturday was the opening day for Busch Gardens. My girlfriend, her son, and I along with many friends from meetin went for some roller coaster craziness. And food. :-)


And people watching is a valid form of entertainment (like the picture below). I'm sure we entertained some folks as well.


So Sunday morning found me wide awake at 6am. Very strange and disturbing dreams that I will not go into. So I started the day with some ab exercises, some Yoga (the first time in forever for each), and this entry.

THE BIG NEWS is that I received a letter yesterday notifying me that my son was accepted into the AVID (Advancement Via Individual Determination) program!!!! Lots of jumping up and down here. I called him and he was VERY excited too! When we went to the presentation for the program a few weeks ago he liked it, but was not enthused. He said, "I didn't like what they said. They said I'll need to have a binder to keep everything in, and they are going to grade me on it. I don't want anything to do with that!!!" I said, "That is exactly why you need this program." It means that he won't get to do the Japanese class he really wanted or the other electives because AVID is the elective. He will get to go on some really outstanding field trips. I've already lined up daycare and transportation since the school is out of district. I'll be picking him up in the afternoons....which means he'll be able to participate in extracurricular activities that he wants to.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!!

Depression and other things.....

I read a very short article this week that referenced what they said was a "soon to be released study" about how blogging can be nearly as effective as an anti-depressant. Writing is rather cathartic for me. Reading about other people's journeys is also very encouraging for my own. There have been some studies ( I don't feel like tracking them down right now ) that say that anti-depressants themselves may not be as effective as we previously thought. Maybe it is because we get them through our drinking water now? :-) Some have Reverse Osmosis water...they are the smart ones.

I wish I was one of those people that didn't eat when they get stressed out. I'm just the opposite though. I have been loosely following the Body For Life program for a couple of years now. It is a great mix of diet, cardio, and weight lifting. I've sort of been off of it for two months now and I have really been feeling and showing the effects of that. Getting back into it is the hardest part. Making the time for a 20-40 min workout each day when you haven't had to is not very easy. Finding the sheer willpower to go out and move when the previous day's workout has left you aching is hard. There is great reward if you do though. It makes me even hungrier than stress does. :-) It does relieve stress and like writing, it can help keep depression at bay.

A couple of thoughts from the last few days.

My son vacuumed up a piece of equipment the other night. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn't close, etc, that the vacuum sucked it up from a long way away. The truth is that he wasn't really paying attention and was trying to get out of trouble. His perception is that he wasn't close. He clung to that. I explained that I had one problem, a broken piece of equipment, but now I have two, a broken piece and a child that didn't want to take responsibility for not doing what they were supposed to. I explained that I really only want to deal with one problem. One problem is easy to get through, two problems makes it a lot more difficult on both of us. I keep explaining that it is easier to say "Ok, I'm sorry, I won't do it again" than it is to keep fighting whatever happened. He creates a perception and clings to it. I see it in a lot of places...we refuse to acknowledge anything that is different from our perceptions. So, Our perceptions become the realities we choose to believe. I wanted to say "lies we choose to believe" but it only becomes a lie when we know it to be untrue but cling to it anyway because it suits us. Once we believe them we rarely can let go of them to embrace what may really be true. Sometimes this is self preservation...why would we want to admit we could be wrong when we could be right? Why should I let go of something that hurts those closest to me when it makes me feel so good?

The other thought has to do with many things in our world today. Particularly Internet security. Many of the applications we know on the Internet are run with protocols that are decades old. They are not secure. Security is difficult to tack on at this point. The other day I had to review a new application that runs on a newer protocol. After going through it and asking some tough questions, the answer I got was that "It's not any worse than email (SMTP)." Ok, so here is a thought...If we are building new solutions, lets try not to include the old incompetencies. It applies to much more than just computers and the Internet though.

Spring Break this week. Try to get outside and correct some of the vitamin D deficiencies that might be holding us down. I hope yours is a great one. My son is going to see his mom for a week. It will be a nice break not to have to be a parent for a couple of days. Lets see how much stuff I can cram into the next week!!!!!

~Mike

Once upon a lie, and happily never after?

A long time friend wrote me last week. She has been married for a number of years and has an eight year old daughter. Her husband has met someone else and has had an affair. He sort of wants to stay in the marriage, but doesn't want to do counseling. He also wants to remain good friends with the woman he had the affair with. Sounds very familiar to a situation I faced a year and a half ago (only I wasn't married to the person).

She writes:
"My husband has had [an affair] and we're trying to work things out, but he won't go to counseling and I keep reliving stuff. I still sense red flags. Some days I'm so hurt I don't know how to manage it. So my question is, do you ever really get over it? The betrayal. Maybe you didn't want your wife back after you found out, so maybe it doesn't matter as much. But had she wanted to stay, could you ever have gotten over it? Probably a stupid question. Sometimes I think we'll separate, and if so, I wonder if I can ever learn to trust another person again."

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. You get through it, like everything in life. You eventually get over it (at least most do). Some learn to trust again as they realize not everyone is like that. Some do not.

What would you do? Is there anything you can offer for support that I can pass on to her?

I know that for me, the relationship between my wife and I had deteriorated so much that when she told me everything that was the closure I was looking for. She wanted out from being a wife and a mom and thus began my foray into being a single parent. An open, frank, and total confession can do wonders. At least for me, it is the not knowing everything that happened that drives me insane. I know it is the same for other people I have talked to as well. That nag that the other person is hanging on to something, a secret, where there should be no secrets. As far as "friends" go, seriously a friend would step aside, wish you nothing but happiness, and disappear. "Friends" that hang around after you have slept with them or are willing to sleep with you even though you are in a relationship probably aren't "friends".

March 9th was National Get Over It day. I missed it this year, but it isn't too late to make up for it!!!!

A concert...

My son went with his grandparents this weekend.

PARTY TIME!

Well, no, not really. But nice to not have to worry about him for a little while.

So I got to soak in my girlfriend's hot tub...eat a nice and small dinner, and go to a local club, the Jewish Mother, and see a show. What a show too.

First up was a local, Jesse Chong. I've seen Jesse by himself, seen him with a another renown local favorite, fiddle player Charlie Austin, and now with his band, Jesse Chong Band. :-) They were great as always and they write their own songs.

Next up, the headliner, Emerson Hart. Lead singer for Tonic. Just him doing his solo thing, a drummer, and keyboardist. The songs are all very personal, the show was more like a living room show (the place is really small), but it was phenomenal. I barely know Tonic, but I recognized a few of the songs he played. Big bands in big stadiums can be kind of fun, but few can ever pull off a personal connection with a crowd that size (Harry Connick did when I saw him once, and the Blue Man group which I saw two weeks ago!). If he is coming through your area, you should go see him, even if you have to stand the whole night like we did. It was awesome.

He said about one song called Vanity, "Ladies, if you are worried about getting older, don't. You will always be hot. And let's face it, your shit will probably work a lot longer than ours!" He is right, but hopefully just about the first part!

My girlfriend and I had a great ride on the boardwalk today. It was beautiful with just a touch of chill. The ocean was calm with the waves barely lapping at the beach.

:-)

Have a great weekend!
~Mike


You Wanted More - By Tonic
Love is tragic
Love is bold
You will always do what you are told
Love is hard
Love is strong
You will never say that you were wrong
I don't know when I got bitter
But love is surely better when it's gone

'Cause you wanted more
More than I could give
More than I could handle
In a life that I can't live
You wanted more
More than I could bear
More than I could offer
For a love that isn't there

Love is color
Love is loud
Love is never saying you're too proud
Love is trusting
Love is honest
Love is not a hand to hold you down
I don't know when I got bitter
But love is surely better when it's gone

'Cause you wanted more
More than I could give
More than I could handle
In a life that I can't live
You wanted more
More than I could bear
More than I could offer
For a love that isn't there

I got to pick me up when I am down
I got to get my feet back on the ground
I got to pick me up when I am done

I dont know when I got bitter
But love is surely better when it's gone
I don't know when I got bitter
But love is surely better when it's gone
'Cause you wanted more
More than I could give
More than I could handle
In a life that I can't live
You wanted more
More than I could bear
More than I could offer
For a love that isn't there

You wanted more
More than I could love
More than I could offer
The harder you would shove
You wanted more
More than I could give
More than I could handle
In a life that I can't live

My son....

That is a nice turn around from the past several weeks. 

We got a canoe this week and took it for it's inaugural voyage Thursday.

I got a promotion....and a pay cut.   :-) 

More to come.....



--
"Until you forget what you think you know and what you think is possible, you will never know what is truly attainable."




was selected as the STUDENT OF THE WEEK!

Something from a senior manager at work today....

A series of excellent principles to work by:

People Are Important!
Honesty & Truthfulness
Transparency
Trust Up and Down
Candor
Follow Through
Do The Work Right
Mistakes Do Happen
Bad News Don't Get Better With Time
My Work Does Not Define Who I Am

Be On Time
No What If Drills
Don't Dwell on Misfires
Will Not Tolerate Rumors or Second Guessing
One Team-Much Elbow Grease
Our Reputation Is Our Work
I Have A Family
Suspense's Are Important
The Boss Is The Boss
Take Care Of The Boss
Share, Share And Share


Definitions of things seem to be on my mind a lot lately.  Definitions of relationships and family mostly.  While my work is important to me, it definitely doesn't completely define or own me.

Brandon's counselor this morning discussed vitamin D defeciencies.  There is a test you can do, but it seems to be a given with the winter months.  He drinks a lot of milk and we try to get outside a lot, even in the cold weather.  It is another avenue that we'll be exploring.  Nutrition is a topic that deserves it's own post though!
 ~Mike
--
"Until you forget what you think you know and what you think is possible, you will never know what is truly attainable."

"Um, HELLO?" {HEAVY SQUEAKY DOOR SWINGS OPEN}

{CLICK}[fluorescent lights flicker on]

"WOW, it's really dusty in here, kind of like no one has been here in almost 40 days..."

[pieces of equipment start to whir to life, and that familiar electric hum becomes the new standard of silence]

[quizzically looks down and wonders if it still works, then decides to try it out]

"Does this thing work? Testing....Testing.....1..2..3...Is there anybody out there? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me...Is there anyone home?"


Ok...what happened? I feel a little like Rip Van Winkle maybe? I'm not sure.

The short story is that two independent events merged and formed a perfect storm of sorts that has kept me busy. I haven't even been answering email. It isn't over yet, and probably won't be for a couple of months, and it is likely to get worse before it gets better.

Now, for the longer story.....
A good friend from Richmond called last week and said it had been a month since I last posted. I kind of laughed and was thinking it had just been week or two. He said "February 5th". I was stunned. Really? Wow...my perception and perspective were in dire need of calibration. A few people started writing me and a note I got today got me jump started. I wasn't trying to worry anyone or looking for attention I have just really lost track of how much time was going by because I don't have any spare time to reflect on anything right now.

So what has been going on? Well we'll start with work. I rarely say anything about work here because a few people I work with currently read my blog. I also don't like to bring work home with me so it is usually the farthest thing from my mind when I'm at home. That changed about a month ago. There were contract issues and other problems happening at work and my company asked me to help out. So I have been. I now work in a different city than I was during the day, and at night I work on things with the previous position from home. It was supposed to be only for a short period. The short period is over and the next foreseeable end is around September. In a way I'm getting a promotion, but the team we had is splitting up and I would rather that it didn't. Some of the confusion and chaos ends Friday as it is my last day with one company and Monday I start with another. Same position, etc, but another company won the contract...and that is supposedly how Military contracting goes.

The other factor conspiring against me is my son. Every year in the spring he begins to become unglued. I've worked on several different solutions this year to try and prevent it from happening, but he is still falling apart. His tantrums are becoming more violent and more frequent. Right about now we probably need an extended break from each other, but that isn't really possible. We had a problem today where he began to explode but showed a little bit of promise. The rest of the day seemed to go well. However, Friday he came unglued with a substitute teacher at school (I don't think she'll come back to that class) and then really exploded at the YMCA. He has been suspended from the YMCA for two days and is now on probation. Three more events and I will not have childcare anymore. I am not sure what I will do after that. I hope he doesn't get to that point, but history says not to be too hopeful...so I need to start planning. I also missed a day and a half of work last week because of a tantrum he threw at home in the morning. Emergency counseling appointments, doctors, etc. He is heading back to in patient care and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.





Two weeks ago we did have an amazing adventure with Whale Watching. Not only did we see a whale, it was a North Atlantic Right Whale...one of only around 300 known to be alive. They are a very rare sight anymore. You can see the pictures HERE. If it looks a little strange it is supposed to. I was there watching the animal move and everything and I still can only barely make heads or tails of it. It was about 30' long, in about 20' of water, and only about 500 yards off shore...if that. When I signed up for the trip I never thought I would actually see a whale, but it turned out to be an amazing experience.

Welcome to another edition of "Daylight Savings Time". I'm really tired now and going to bed.

Feeling better...

Hopefully it lasts....for my son and I both.

Half dose of the stimulant (25mg) seemed to curb the impulsiveness and he didn't have the side effects he has been telling me about. He had a good piano lesson too. During piano I went to the Y and busted out a solid 30 min cardio routine. But what really made the difference in me was when a good friend emailed me today to remind of the 50% off everything special they have in the restaurant she manages ON THE BOARDWALK. Hey, it was almost 80 degrees here today, so we went in t-shirts, shorts, and sandals! :-)

When we walked in it was like Cheers. Several friends were there so after handshakes and hugs my son and I sat down ordered and talked away. Beer helped too. Nice to be wanted. Nice to have some other adults entertain my son for a little while. He kind of challenged them to a math game and they were hooked in. I just let out a long slow sigh of relief...then took another drink of my beer. It was nice to get caught up on what everyone was doing. The food was delicious, and I ate too much. My son danced and entertained. Not on any tables or the bar mind you. I guess it is Fat Tuesday, so the group was going to a bar down the road. We left to come home. I guess my son had a great time because he gave me a huge hug and said "I love you Dad."

So a little time, a chance to unwind and vent, and some time with some friends is all I needed.

Now if I could do that everyday....and I'm going to need it too. I found out today that I'm being pulled to cover a position on another part of the contract, one that is in another city. They also want me to keep up some things that I do where I am. It will mean overtime, but overtime just means more work and less time to myself. It should work out, but not really what I was looking for. It isn't what I came here to do. Maybe it will pay for a cruise this summer, or a trip I would love to take with my son to California. One day at a time, always, one day at a time.

On Monday....

I first get a note from son's teacher that he missed his field trip today while we were at his doctor's appointments. One appointment was his normal neuro-feedback, the other was to talk about what happened Friday. Later I get a note from his teacher that his behavior in the afternoon was way off norm, rolling in the floor laughing and he ate a kleenex. Now, he wasn't on the stimulant today, but he's going back on tomorrow, just half the dose. I show up at the YMCA to workout and every couple of minutes a YMCA after s