Sunday, April 29, 2007


I was reading a post by That Mommy and she mentions the movie Bruce Almighty. It was a pretty funny movie. However, it made an excellent point, whether they meant to or not. We all want some supernatural power to swoop in and carry our problems away, punish those that have wronged us, and set everything right with the world. That is not likely to happen. We can lament about a God (or Gods) that allows all of these terrible things to happen, but in truth it is not God's fault or doing. The point that the movie makes is that the greatest miracles are the ones that happen every day. Not the parting of the seas, or the raising of the dead, but rather the kind words, extra pair of hands, or the hug that you can give to someone that is desperately seeking some miracle. In short, each of us has an unlimited number of miracles to give, that is our power. How often do we really use it? The draw of most of the world's religions is not the supernatural miracles performed, but rather that the focal point for most of them is a person that actually walked among us. A person that shook our hands, fed us, gave us drink, talked with us, touched our children, and thereby changed our lives. Our greatest heroes are normal people, just like us, that step up and do things for others, not for themselves. They are truly all around us. They feed the hungry, they donate their time and money, they empathize with us when we need it, and they do not hand us a bill in return. They do not spin webs, or lift trains, or alter things with their minds, they help us fix a flat tire, they bring a meal to a family in crisis, they mow a yard, they wash dishes, they do laundry, they share their smiles, and they share themselves. What is wrong with the world today? We are. Not so much all of us, but a majority of us are selfish enough that there is an imbalance. God gave us the choices and the power, and we abuse it, or rather we do not use it at all.

There are some very remarkable people out there. People that have sacrificed and gave to those that could not give back. They are the saints in this world. They are miracles we are looking for. They are each one of us.

Sleep well.


Just a poem....Lasagna Poe?

A creak, a groan,
A little moan,
tick and tock,
goes the clock,
deep in the night,
the bug strikes,
without warning,
darkest morning,
intestines bubbling,
the victim struggling,
little feet in the hall,
suddenly stall,
eruptions begin,
again and again,
To the whelp,
I sprint to help,
no need to run,
the damage done,
my sleepy mind befuddled,
staring at a hall of puddles.

Ok, not really Poe caliber or quality...but a poem of lasagna and berber carpet at 1am it is, as noted earlier.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Fearless.....not feelless....

From the Daily B****
MotherTalk is hereby dubbing Friday April 27th as Fearless Friday!
"During a Blog Bonanza, bloggers everywhere write about a single topic on the same day, and on that day we’re able to click from blog to blog, reading our friends thoughts, finding new wisdom, having as close to a major conversation as blogging might allow."

In celebration of Arianna Huffington's book, On Becoming Fearless...In Love, Work, and Life, the Blog Bonanza topic is Fearless Friday.
So. Let the Bonanza begin.

Ok, so here is my fearless post....only a little late

I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of people thinking I am unintelligent. I am afraid of being cheated on. I am afraid to speak, use my voice.

The thing is that all of this has happened to me and life still goes on. I have been rejected by women that I was totally in love with. It hurt, but it did not kill me. Sometimes I feel the Source is just being merciless with me for not taking me out of the game so to speak at these episodes. I have found that love is worth having and worth giving and it is even worth being hurt over. I may never find the love I seek, but I will keep trying and not give into my fear. Sometimes it feels like it gets harder to try.

I am alone. Tonight, like every night since December, I will go to sleep alone. I will wake up alone. For some it has been longer, some not quite as long. Some will hopefully have that person that means more to them than any other with them tonight. Some will have company of convenience or comfort. This isn't to say that I am totally alone. I have my son, but I am his father. He can't fill that void and it would be unfair to ever place that burden on him. He is a child and he fills a different role. I will not always be alone. I will fight the fear, and wait for the next person that I think will be the perfect match for me. I pray that I will have the discernment this time to know....

I do not know everything. Not even close. Every time my son quizzes me about something, I learn something new. I can teach him a few new things too though. I feel like I know a lot, but I am by no means erudite. Just talking to people everyday I see that I know so very little, true minutia really. I am considered an expert in the computer field, but every day I learn a ton more. In any new gathering, I am always very quiet. First because I am naturally shy and I am always uncomfortable amongst strangers, but also because I just listen to what is being said. I am afraid to ask questions, so I try to pick up the answers amongst the din of conversation. Sometimes I laugh just because everyone else laughed, but I didn't get the joke. I am trying to change this. I do ask more questions and I am getting bolder. I know I am not unintelligent, though after reading this blog you may think so! I may be afraid of looking dumb, but I'm not afraid to try and get past it.

One of my greatest fears in any relationship is the fear of being cheated on. I am afraid that the woman I am seeing will find another man more physically attractive, more interesting to talk to, more intelligent, more into her and her interests than I am, and obviously more sexually appealing. What I find is that this fear begins to make me unattractive, controlling, and very difficult to be around. Consequently I have been in a few relationships where the woman has cheated on me. Now, this hasn't been totally because of my fear. Any person that resorts to cheating while in a relationship with someone else obviously has their own issues. However, with respect to me, this is a fear that I need to face and conquer if I want to have a relationship at all. Somehow I need to find a way to TRUST again. Truly trust knowing that I could be hurt, but knowing that if I don't I will be alone and that will hurt more. Sometimes I get tired of always trying to do the right thing. Sometimes it seems like I run into a lot of people that consistently do not do the right thing and they appear better off for it. In the past few months, I have succumbed to the desire to do the wrong thing. I am sorry for it. It only feels good for a moment, then regret sets in when I realize that compromised my values for something that was totally not worth the effort. In the process I have made some enemies of some people that I think are pretty spectacular, even though they have not really treated me all that well.

I am afraid to speak, to use my voice. I am afraid to say I am angry, or sad, or overly happy, or excited, or disappointed. I am afraid of what people will think of me. Now, if you read this blog, you will see that I'm working on this. It is not easy. Some people that know me, know that I am not always this way. At work I am not afraid, but I am the expert there and a lot of people depend on my knowledge and my voice on Technical matters. Political is a whole different game though. Relationships too. Social gatherings are another. Each setting has unique characteristics, and I have a different level of fear for each on. In relationships I am afraid to say what I think sometimes because it may be contrary to my partner, cause a rift, and cause the relationship to end. This is where I need to be braver though and be true to who I am. If someone disagrees with me so much that they do not want to see me anymore, well that has got to be a good thing. If I do not say anything, then I will not know and neither will they. Mostly, I have to believe that I have a lot to offer, that I am worth being around, worth listening to, worth trusting in, and worth loving. I have accepted too much in the past thinking that I was the problem. What I ended up with was a ton of pain, trying to make connections work that just could not.

I do not know, but I would not think any of us are fearless. I think that in the process of trying to be fearless, you become feelless. No, it is not a word, but I do not know how you can be without fear and still feel emotion, empathy, sympathy.

I like what Monty said in her blog The Daily B****:
"It's hard to try. It's hard, knowing that I will fail sometimes. It's hard, knowing that I have to take that first step even though I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. That's why I am fearless. Because I'll take the step."

I went to Utah in February to go snowboarding. Snowboarding is chicken soup for my soul. Being in the Rocky Mountains is just inspiring all by itself. I made an effort to talk to everyone I ran into. It was hard, but I did it. I joined a couple of social groups locally. I always felt like only I liked to do the things I do, but now I have found a bunch of folks that are into the same things. I go to happy hours and just converse with people I do not know and I love making the new friends. I'm on a softball team now for the first time in years. We had practice today and it was awesome. I will be starting volleyball soon too. Kickball in the fall, though I went to a game Wednesday! It was great. Just FUN. Played flipcup for the first time after the game and had a blast! I still cannot stay out as late or do nearly as much as I would like because I am a father and those duties remain what they have been. But it has been very good to get out more.

Now you know a little more about the little man behind the curtain....


Thursday, April 26, 2007

Lighter post for an angry day....

Tonight my son and I are shopping in the grocery store. He is still upset, but getting over it. I'm collecting ingredients for my lasagna. He is busy telling me he doesn't like lasagna. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to give him lasagna anyway. five years ago, the boy got sick after eating lasagna and threw up all the way down our hallway, on berber carpet. Oh, the joy of trying to get red sauce and partially digested ricotta cheese out of berber carpet at 1am. There is a poem in there somewhere, Edgar Allen Poe style I am sure. I ask him to pick a box of juices as we pass that aisle. He catches up on the next aisle. He then sees the box is partially open. He wants to put it back and I say "go ahead." He catches up as I am searching for Ricotta cheese. It has been a while. I am afraid to ask what he has been doing. He sees I am not going to ask, so he decides to share his adventure with me. Apparently he was carrying the caprisun box with two hands, one on each end, and the box cracked in half and spilled all of the drinks out. Calmly, I tell him that is not possible. He is adamant that it is. He starts to explain, but I ask him if someone came to help clean it up. He says yes. I say ok, that is all I really need to know, now help me find some ricotta cheese. He then got to pick out some Ben & Jerry's ice cream and we made it home without some other calamity occurring. :-)

Good Night!


Nothing like....

picking up a very sad and crying nine year old boy from daycare.

Got some ice cream from the grocery and I made a lasagna that is cooking in the oven. The ice cream cheered him up a little.

Wonder what tomorrow will be like.


Selfishness....A only at your own risk....

Today was cool and gray. It matches my mood, or maybe it set my mood. I am very frustrated and feeling quite a bit hopeless. That means that most of this entry is going to be a feel sorry for me type of post. In some ways I am very angry. Writing is just an outlet for it and I hope it works.

For the past six years I have been the sole care provider for my son. He is now nine years old. People are really good at admiring my dedication, telling me how lucky he is to have such a caring father, etc. My son is a somewhat special needs child. There is a conference happening at school right now for the special education committee where they are discussing my son specifically. He is a Catch 33 child. Huh? He can't really stay in a normal class due to emotional/behavioral issues. He is far too smart to be put in a special program for emotional/behavioral issues, his grades are too good. He may qualify intellectually for the gifted program, but his emotional/behavioral issues prevent him from going there too. He doesn't belong. I am going insane. I cannot find a diagnosis, neither can any professional I take him too. Experimentation and observation have been the rules of this game for a long time. Even a week of observation in a psychiatric ward only produced a change in medication, but no diagnosis, or change of diagnosis. Half of the problem I have right now is that I have no help. I get advice, but no help. What does this mean? Well, getting links to websites, getting advice of other people to go to, more information about this malady or that emotional problem does not actually give me another set of hands for me to be able to act on it. It does not give me another set of eyes day to day. It does not give me another thinking body that actually wants to be able to work with Brandon, is willing to be a little less selfish and actually DO something. So I have to take time off from work to get Brandon here, or there. I do not have anyone that can pick him up and get him into a family setting so that I can also get back to work to make up hours. My vacation is nill and stays there. Time to myself? No one wants Brandon. No one. Brandon comes home and is crying, tears streaming, about how he just wants to come home, not have to go to daycare. He is too young, I cannot let him. It is just me there to comfort him. People give me numbers of other daycare providers, etc, but no homes, no help, no time, no offers to feed or comfort a lonely child whose situation is not his making, and lots of condolences but no real compassion or empathy for either of us. Should I just send him to his mother, a two parent home, who has not paid me any child support in six years? Granted, she cleans stalls at a barn and has no money and I feel it is better for Brandon that she at least try to take him for the summers rather than try to extract money from her. He needs his mom. He deserves better. I am so tired, so drained, an empty shell. I try so hard to be energetic and optimistic for him everyday. Somehow, I tend to attract and date selfish women. I'm not saying all women are, not by a long shot. I was told of a woman that married an entertainer knowing he had ALS. They had four daughters to care for between them and yet she married him anyway. That is Love. I drive back and forth to Maryland every weekend for over a year, spend weekends mowing grass, painting a house, doing other handyman stuff, buying dinners, feeding six children, photographing them, videoing them, getting them breakfast and ready for school while their mom does hot yoga, ferry children back and forth to various practices, spending weekends with five children at swim meets, WORKING at the damn swim meets, creating DVDs for three families so that everyone could see the pictures and videos of her amazing children, and so much more. That was love bordering on stupidity. Ok, it was stupid. What did I get in return? Selfishness. Shame on me. I didn't have to do all that she reminds me. She tells me that to have a relationship, I need to provide a solution for Brandon. She sends me links on the Internet, tells me to see this person or that person, but there are no hands to help, there is no time invested actually doing something to help me get there. Just direction and criticism and lies and betrayal. Jealousy when I do try to do something for me, passive-aggressive reactions, or outright refusal to help. Shame on me for not seeing it sooner right? Another person I dated said I need to have a live in nanny, then her and I might be able to have a relationship. At least she was honest. Another person said that I needed to send Brandon to boarding school so that I could be available when she needed me. Does this sound like a nightmare? It is. I hate it. But hey, the nightmare gets worse. One set of grandparents no longer can help me at all because of health problems. The other set doesn't want to in order to spite me. Brandon's mom says she cannot take him at all this summer since her husband will be away. So, how do you look for a date, a mate, when you have a special needs child around all the time and I am the only one who wants him? All I want is to have a family to come home to every night, to participate in the sports and activities of our children, help them with their homework and their other problems, cook dinner, spend weekends creating memories, and to just truly love and appreciate the very special person who wants to be with me, who will stick together regardless of the maladies and roadblocks in the way and work with me to invest in a future, our dreams. I'm sure there are many people out there but how do you find them? Where are they? How do you distinguish them from some of the other people that I loved but lied to me? How do I do this when I can barely get out for a date? How do I do this when money seems to just be pouring into doctors that can't help?

So you see, you were warned, a selfish rant, full of self-pity.

The good thing is that I feel a little better. Writing always does that. Now, time to go work out for a bit.


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Each and every breath....

Is precious. Too precious to waste. A friend wrote me today to let me know her Grandmother had died. She asks the question about what we would do differently if we knew that this day or this month, or this season would be our last. What she wrote was beautiful and I will post it when I get her permission. Of course, we don't know when we have lived our last moment, day, month, or season. What would you do differently to change your immediate world? Do you approach everyone and everything with the idea that there is just HERE, NOW? What would you do differently if you did not have a later to make things right? Is it worth throwing away the important people and events in your life for the less important and more temporal, thinking you can make it up or start again later? What is truly the most important things or people to you right now? Do they know this? Do you show it?

Tonight Brandon and I met a group of parents at the Silver Diner. We had a great time just eating and talking. It was Super Hero night and we collaborated for the answers to a sheet of super hero trivia. Brandon was the star, he knew most of the answers. Two of the boys received comic books from a raffle. As parents we talked about our various parental issues and vowed to help each other out, make more events together, and take lots of trips to Busch Gardens! :-)

guten abent, aufwiederschreiben!


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Reflections - Flashback - Perceptions

I woke up this morning at 3am and could not sleep any longer. After a hour and a half I have given up. A good friend, a single mom, asked me for my thoughts when her 3 year old told her that "you are my mommy and my daddy." What a precious and perceptive thing for a 3 to recognize. A little sad too that he knows things are different for them than other homes.

A few weeks after Brandon's mom left, Brandon was four and half years old, I was taking down some painful pictures. Brandon piped in his little voice, "Does this mean we are not a family anymore?" I answered, "No kiddo, you and I are a family, the family just changed a little bit." I really did not know what to say. He has recognized, like my friend's son, that I am both mother and father and that our family is different than other families.

The thing is, I cannot do both roles. Not well. I'm sure a good part of his problems stem from my inability to provide him all the nurture he is entitled to. Most professionals and other parents I am sure would adamantly disagree, but I am the one that sees things day to day, every day. I'm not the super dad that can do all things and I know I fall short in some areas where a mother would be able to help out. Like his dad, Brandon craves affection. More than likely he always will. I am affectionate with him, and he is always very clingy to me, but it is not the same relationship that a son would have to his mother. I know better than most what that really means. This doesn't mean that I'm not putting forth all that I can or that his problems are all my fault, but not having a mother and being in daycare most of his life are certainly not ideal. So I trudge on, trying to make the best of each day, hoping in some small way that it will make a difference.

It is Tuesday. Superhero night at the Silver Diners around Hampton Roads. A great time for the kids.

Ok, off to exercise my worries away and then find some good coffee like yesterday. :-)


Monday, April 23, 2007

DARE you!

I was just reading a post at Cynical Dad: Sponges That Speak and it reminded me of something funny I should have posted weeks ago. The DARE program at Brandon's school tries to teach the children about drugs, why they are bad, and more. Brandon would come home and quiz me about all of this stuff. A few days after they finished this program one of the children in his class had a birthday party. There were helium filled balloons there of course. So what do all of these children that just learned about inhalants and displacing oxygen do? They all suck the helium out of their balloons and turn their already high pitched voices up a few notches....

ok, time for bed.


Fish Stories....

Well, the Betta fish, named Thunder, is doing quite well after one week. The Goldfish, Lightning, is not. In fact, Lightning flashed and faded rather quickly. We'll get another this week and try again.

Good night!


Cold Stone......

Is no longer at Great Neck or Hilltop. How can that be? Well, have to find one that is still open! Ben & Jerry's was an adequate substitute for Brandon tonight!

If anyone is interested in joining us for the next celebration let me know! Sometime this week for sure (er, at least twice more this week). I'll supply ice cream of some sort if I can't find a Cold Stone.


Mondays....the day we love to hate....

Except today was rather exceptional, for a much needed change. Stunning weather today. Nothing like starting the day with a great conversation. Coffee / Caffeine overdose to keep on the verge of blasting off into space. Energy overflow and explosion. Many accomplishments at work. To top it off, I got a great note from Brandon's teacher that said he had an outstanding day. I now owe him three trips to Cold Stone. He is a totally amazing child. I am lucky father.

I hope everyone had a great day.


Nickelback....If Everyone Cared....

Some things and some people are easier to care for than others. I guess easy is the key word because difficulty seems to make everyone back away.

If everyone cared and nobody cried,
If everyone loved and nobody lied,
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride,
Then we'd see the day, when nobody died

In the End....Linkin Park

Life imitating art? or the other way around? I guess this happens to a lot of people....But like the song says, it doesn't even matter really, just to me.

It starts with one
One thing,
I don't know why,
It doesn't even matter how hard you try,
Keep that in mind,
I designed this rhyme,
To explain in due time,
All I know…

Time is a valuable thing,
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings,
Watch it count down 'till the end of the day,
The clock ticks life away,
It's so unreal…
You didn't look out below,
Watch the time go right out the window,
Tryin to hold on,
Didn't even know, I wasted it all just to
watch you go…
I kept everything inside,
And even though I tried,
It all fell apart,
What it meant to me
Will eventually be,
A memory of a time when
I tried so hard and got so far,
but in the end,
It doesn't even matter,
I had to fall,
to lose it all,
but in the end,
It doesn't even matter,

One thing, I don't know why,
It doesn't even matter how hard you try,
Keep that in mind,
I designed this rhyme,
To remind myself how
I tried so hard...
In spite of the way you were mocking me,
Acting like I was part of your property,
Remembering all the times wherein you fought with me,
I'm surprised it
got so(far)…
Things aren't the way they were before,
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore,
Not that you knew me back then,
But it all comes back to me,
In the end...
You kept everything inside,
And even though I tried it all fell apart,
What it meant to me
Will eventually,
Be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard and got so far,
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter,
I had to fall,
to lose it all,
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter,
I've put my trust in you,
Pushed as far as I can go,
For all this,
There's only one thing you should know,
I've put my trust in you,
Pushed as far as I can go,
For all this,
There's only one thing you should know,
(Reapeat this 2 times!)
I tried so hard and got so far,
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter,
I had to fall,
to lose it all,
in the end,
it doesn't even matter.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

What a week....

Monday begins with a senseless tragedy that became more unreal as the day wore on. News reports changing sometimes by the minute, sometimes with conflicting information, not really knowing what to believe, and desperately hoping none of it was true. We walked around part of the VCU campus Friday night and I was very encouraged by the support and displays of the VCU students. The outpouring of support for VT, the students, and their families has been impressive and uplifting.

Continue to remember the families and victims in other parts of the world too. It has been a violent week everywhere it seems. Looking back, this week seems to be some sort of focus for violence too.

It appears that Brandon's week went pretty well. I did not have any other feedback from his teachers. Keeping my fingers crossed there.

I had a great time in Richmond Friday night. I always do. Great food. Great company. No 3rd street diner this time though. However, camels and southeast Asia kept coming up.

If you are looking for a great Italian restaurant in Va Beach, I highly recommend La Bella Italia. Delicious food and great atmosphere. My new favorite Italian place in Hampton Roads.

Looks like I'll be playing softball and volleyball for the first time in years too. I'm very excited about that. Always good to be part of a team and have some fun!

The yard looks like something from a science fiction movie. The grass didn't really grow so much this week. But the dandelion stalks came back. So I have these tall stalks with round white heads on them distributed throughout the lawn. Looks like War of the Worlds on a very small scale.

Well, it's Sunday. The weather is excellent! Get out and have some fun!


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A seriously funny idea...

I scan technical news all the time. It is a sort of professional necessity. Well, this item was particularly funny. In college (er, at VT, please remember them) I used to put my alarm clock where I couldn't reach it and I had to climb out of my loft to shut it up. An umbrella soon fixed that self-induced torture. Just to hit snooze mind you, not to break it. Well, someone has invented an alarm clock that runs away and hides after you hit the snooze button. :-)

Here's the link ALARM


Monday, April 16, 2007

First day back at school....

not that anyone would read or notice, but Brandon had his first day back at school today. One of his teachers said he had a great day. I haven't heard from the other yet. Why is this even significant? Well, Brandon does well one on one, but put him in a large group, and then put demands like changing activities constantly, having to listen to teachers and other students, and having to follow strict rules without constant prodding and you have a very stressful situation for Brandon. My concerns have been on how Brandon would do after being in a place where it was strictly controlled but one on one and fairly relaxed for a week. It looks like he did fine. I will probably get more feedback tomorrow. It stresses me out too. I keep hoping for the best, but it seems I'm constantly disappointed. Even with all the professional involvement, it just seems to repeat.

Have a great night.


Sunday, April 15, 2007

Sunday...A sunny day despite the rain...

I've had a gnawing hunger of late. It hasn't been for the pancakes I made this morning. It has been more for the spiritual path I have left untended for far too long. It is overgrown and unrecognizable. So today I brought out a machete and began to hack away at the barriers. Brandon and I went to Church for the first time in several years. I've been working hard to get out and meet some new people, people interested in talking, sharing, softball, volleyball, kayaking, kickball, anything active, and anything social. People like me, or sort of like me in some ways. It has been revitalizing. There have been a few mis-steps so to speak, but overall it has been great. It is so nice to go some where with a group and have people that recognize me, want to talk to me, want me to participate in things with them, and are happy to have me there. Some of those people invited me to Church and I went today. Brandon and I both had a great time. As with all things with God, somehow the timing seemed right and the environment seemed right. The message was clear for the first time in recent memory, probably because I was open to it.

Brandon loved being in their children's church. Not too bad for a first impression. :-) He also got a gold fish out of the deal as the church gave them away with the message today. So, one aquarium, one betta bowl, one betta fish, and some fish food later, we are now the proud caretakers of a betta and a gold fish. Brandon read through all the directions and is taking care of them. The filter on the aquarium provides white noise too, so an added bonus at bed time.

We had Ice Cream with some of my new friends today. We had great conversation along with it. Brandon got to meet a few new children as well.

We went to the mall and shopped for a bit before going to see Meet the Robinsons. It is a great movie, but I could tell it touched Brandon. The movie dealt with the issue of mother abandonment, which Brandon feels acutely. Slowly I think he is coming to terms with the idea that his family is just he and I and that he is ok to have the feelings that he does. The movie ends showing that the outcome of these situations is never hopeless and to keep moving forward even when you may not want to. That is a message most of us could probably use.

I hope everyone had a great weekend.


Great Song.....

Something to believe in, Something worth fighting for, Something worth working for, the only thing worth having in this life.....

"Far Away" by Nickelback

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know


So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Saturday, April 14, 2007

What I desperately want...

Is to remember how to laugh without forcing it, how to smile without making myself do it, and how to just be me without caring who else is around or what anyone else is doing. I want to remember what it is to just have fun for the fun of it. I want to remember how to get back in touch with who and what I really am.


Leave Glamour and Sexy at the door....Weekend mornings at least

Weekend mornings for me usually mean getting some kind of wakeup greeting from my son. Not entirely unwelcome, but not entirely looked forward to either. Shortly after making it to my feet I'm off to the kitchen. What's for breakfast? Eggs? Bacon? Sausage? Grits? Pancakes? Waffles? Biscuits? I love breakfast. I love making breakfast. Especially for large groups, but since it is just my son and I, I make do cooking for one and a half.

Today it was waffles, sausage, and bacon mixed with an unhealthy portion of log cabin syrup. Orange juice was the beverage of choice.

Afterwards we went to the YMCA for my workout. I'm getting a bit of a cold so I took a short nap while my son played a few games.

We bought a lawnmower today, seeing as I no longer have one to borrow. I did not think that I would be able to mow since it was raining this morning, but it rained for just a short bit and the afternoon dried out nicely. The lawn is now neatly trimmed, and getting the lawnmower from store to operation was actually really simple. We rented a few movies this afternoon too, and bought some snacks to eat with them. I ordered a pizza and we had a great movie time together.

After dinner and the movie we played catch on the freshly mowed ball field (otherwise known as the front yard). Brandon is getting really good. Brandon also joined a few neighbor children in some volleyball. Life is just about back to normal.

I suppose that I could be really angry with Brandon's mom for moving on with her life and sort of leaving Brandon behind. The reality is that it is her loss. My only agitation is that it makes it harder for me to rebuild and move on with mine. The best thing I can do for Brandon is to have a two parent home again. You cannot order those though. There is no Mastercard commercial for finding your significant other. That is, buy this, do this, manage this, and you get the priceless love that you want, for everything else there is Mastercard. It certainly is not Brandon's mom's fault that I have not gotten married again, so I really have no cause to be angry with her. Even if she decided to have more children, that is totally her call. The truth is, if I lament about what she is doing or not doing, I'm really doing Brandon a disservice. I would be missing the opportunities that are in front of me to make Brandon's life and mine better than ever, sort of throwing them away just because of my anger with his mom.

Tomorrow is Sunday. Pancakes for breakfast I am certain. Church for the first time in ages. I'm struggling, desperately struggling, to pull myself back together after the last six months. Ice Cream Sunday afternoon. It is supposed to rain. Meet the Robinsons possibly? Maybe some live music Sunday night. No glamour, nothing sexy, just parenting on a daily basis.


Thursday, April 12, 2007


Parenting is a difficult dirty business. Middle of the night wake ups, vomiting, calls from school, first loves, school frustrations, laundry, dishes, mowing, raking, cleaning, and much much more. It is supposed to be a two person job. Brandon's mom's parents have health problems and they can no longer help me in any way due to his current outbursts. My father is a narcissistic overbearing person that expects me to follow his orders and I can no longer deal with that. Brandon's mom has said that she will not be able to deal with him this summer so he has to stay with me. I have some good friends, but no one that can take the place of a co-parent, a spouse, that special person that sticks with you no matter what, the person that will build a life with you and wants to be with you and doesn't care what the rest of the world is doing.

My son is home from the hospital. I don't know what tomorrow will be like. I don't know what school will be like next week. It will just be my son and I dealing with it, that I do know.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Happy Easter...

I get to spend two hours today with my son during lunch at the hospital. It is a special day because it is Easter. We had a family session yesterday for half an hour and then regular visitation last night for an hour. It snowed yesterday and Brandon would have loved to have been out in it, scraping up enough snow for a snowball, and throwing it at me. I really missed him then. They do expect him to be discharged Thursday. I can't wait, and I pray they make progress this week on what is happening with him.

Happy Easter everyone.


Thursday, April 05, 2007

Life is just not fair....

I put my son under inpatient psychiatric care today for at least the next week. He has had uncontrollable outbursts over the past couple of weeks. He had one yesterday in school and another one this morning. I feel like an awful parent, and leaving him there today was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I just really hope that we can figure out what is happening and come up with some solutions so that he can at least have a normal life at some point.


Monday, April 02, 2007

I'm drained...

So is my son. He threw a huge temper tantrum in the car on the way home tonight, and this is after one he threw Saturday night where I had to go get him from his grandparents. I have scratch marks and bruises all over. I took him to the emergency room, again. They had to help me restrain him. A great police officer helped us out and helped to calm him. The crisis psych person on staff thinks he may be mis-diagnosed with his ADHD. His counselor thinks he may be mis-diagnosed as well. The crisis person tonight believes he may be bi-polar, which can sometimes look like ADHD, but in children it is hard to diagnose because it may manifest itself in varied ways. If they would have asked tonight if he needed to go inpatient, I would have said yes. They did not. Hopefully we can see his doctor tomorrow. Is there no help out there for this?