Tuesday, July 31, 2007

More thoughts....

"whenever one door closes I hope one more will open" - Lee Ann Womak "I hope you Dance"

There is a fable about an animal holding something it wants in its jaws and sees its reflection in the water. It decides it wants to have what its reflection is holding too, so it grabs for it without putting down what it already had first. It loses what it had and ends up with nothing.

Monty said THIS several months ago:
"It's hard to try. It's hard, knowing that I will fail sometimes. It's hard, knowing that I have to take that first step even though I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. That's why I am fearless. Because I'll take the step. "

Too often we lose opportunities because we are too afraid to let go, to take that step off the cliff and let the wind burst into our wings to take flight. We try to keep one foot on the ground, in the past, and we can never take flight into the future. Our dreams are ground into the dust under our feet.

I saw the movie Serendipity this past weekend. Hmmmmm. There are a lot of ways that you can look at that movie. Is it a fortunate accident anymore when you can't get someone out of your head and you spend all of your time looking for them? Is it fortunate that you lead other people on into deeply committed relationships knowing that you really want someone else the whole time? In the movie it kind of worked out for the two main characters, but it wasn't very serendipitous for the people that had sacrificed themselves for these two people, only to have it all wasted. Either let go of the past and move on, or don't pretend to commit to someone or something else and flake out. But it was wistful in a way. Why can't relationships in the real world have benevolent signs showing us the way? Rascal Flats wrote "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you." Emphasis on BROKEN. Broken people, broken hearts, broken relationships...that is to say, a lot pain from falling down. In the end, if along the journey you find that partner that will stay with you, hold each other when you need it, help each other walk when you cannot, tends each other's wounds, providing that infusing healing touch to each other, shares the magnificent views of triumphs and absolute joy along the way, then the scrapes, bruises, and pain will not even be a bad memory. Those other people become like the stars at night and your partner like the sun, at dawn the sky lightens and turns to blue, the others fade away and all that you see is the sun. The others are still there, but no one compares or outshines the one you have chosen, and who has chosen you.

The Push

groggy and unmotivated
tired and discombobulated
The swirl of dreams and reality
utterly confounds me
I rise, I fall, I rise again
Alarms in the background din
Fighting the fight within
I give up and slide back to sleepin.

The battle was not over though
and deep inside energy begins overflow
Sleep departs hurriedly
and I begin my day
A run I say, been my goal for weeks
but quickly give up, so meek
But I push, and push, and push
sneakers, socks, shuffle, all a mush
but I push
I stretch and pop and groan, but I push
I open the door, not looking back
I start my run, looking up at a full moon
surprised to see this companion
and for three and a half miles I push.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Just some thoughts....

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and that is normally not a very good thing. However, I feel like it has helped me quite a bit.

"If you are searching for truth, You must look in the mirror, and make sense of what you can see, They say learning to love yourself is the first step, Just be" (Tiesto "Just Be") Judging ourselves is so difficult. There is a fine line between conceit and self worth, humbleness and low self esteem. The past few weeks I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I have had great company, the best, and I am thankful for that. I have many hurdles and decisions coming up and it hurts my brain to think about all of them. There are so many paths open before me. At least, that is the way I see it. Many things I can accomplish right now, but is it prudent? Should I wait and tackle the more difficult things first? My first priority has been to put my sanity first. I've been out doing the things I like to do. Softball, dodgeball, kickball, volleyball leagues, kayaking, working out, eating MY diet :-), reading, scuba, drinking, dancing, and more. I haven't spent very much time in front of the computer either...which is why my blog seemed to dry up. I have been examining the relationships I have. Friendships, work, parents, siblings. The book "Emotional Unavailability" has helped me to identify key aspects of some of these relationships. I can now take a more objective versus emotional look at them. Some of these I have had trouble dealing with for decades. Not all of these people are emotionally unavailable, but there are some things I am just better off not trying to change or hoping for better from them. There is a level of acceptance I need to have, especially with my father, that I will never have the relationship that I want with them. There are key issues that I cannot fix, and trying only makes things worse. My energies are much better spent on the relationships that are much more symbiotic. My son, my girlfriend, my friends, my work. I'm working on boundaries too, making sure that my needs are being met which includes my need to help others and be involved with others. I am working out ways to do this when my son comes back, since the help I thought I once had I no longer do, and he will be the dominate force. I have to temper that while feeding him and meeting his extensive needs. It is something that I am not sure I can do, but I'll keep trying none the less.

There is so much more, but it will have to wait...I have to go...tomorrow!


Friday, July 20, 2007

Stolen Moments...

A moment here, a moment there,
Precious moments everywhere,
Stolen intimates etched in time,
Moments where I am yours, you are mine.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


"Until you forget what you think you know and what you think is possible, you will never know what is truly attainable."

This is the hacker's creed, and in reality any adventurous person.

Too often we are limited by the limits of our own experiences, understanding, and imaginations. Too often we fail to attain all that is possible simply because we don't try or don't think to try. I deal with this all the time in my job. I have to constantly look at what is happening and accept that I didn't think it could be done, but it has been, so now I have to grow into it. I'm used to it, but a lot of people I need to bring along with me are not. Sometimes the experience is scary for them and they fight it.

Sunday, July 08, 2007


I love to tease....You should know this about me.

I've been on the phone quite a bit lately, writing a lot of emails, doing a lot of visiting, a lot of talking, holding hands, hugging, kissing...I have the awesome opportunity of getting to know, date, explore, and go exploring with a woman I am finding to be very special, incredible, inspiring, and someone I am having to keep up with. :-) I have been surprised by her in everything, and I totally love that, because it is so nice when expectations are completely blown away. So we've been busy. Her name is Susan.

I have also been busy looking for a house. It can be depressing though when you find a house that would quite nearly perfect, but not affordable. Not a new house mind you, but built in 1978, 1900 sq ft, 3BR, 2.5 baths, not renovated on the inside, cape cod, one car garage, but up against a nature preserve where Brandon and I could spend some time in the woods, kayaking, and more. $2500/month for a mortgage is just too much on one income. Nine years ago, they bought house for $127K. That should tell you a little about the market in this area. So no house for now. At least it isn't like California or Northern VA where 600 sq ft might go for $600K. :-)

Saturday I went to Richmond to see my friends up there. The ones that can actually be reached at times! Jeff and Melanie and fantastic people and friends. They have an adorable and so well behaved daughter Emma, with another on they way (CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!) They also have two rescued grey hounds and a cat. The grey hounds will literally love you to death as soon as you walk in the door. That is a fact. If you are ever starved for attention, that is the place you want to go. If you lay down, the dogs will spoon with you. Emma is so cute that she just smiles, asks you to do something for her, and you find that you do. It can't be helped, like a faerie casting some kind of control spell that is so powerful you even feel like you like whatever it is she has made you do.

Jeff and I went to an Indy race Saturday evening (IRL). It would be the first race either of us has ever been to. Free tickets of course. The cars are awesome, but the whole race thing was lost on us I think. Now if you're going to people watch, there is a lot to see and ponder on. We left about 50 laps into the race and according to the results, the next 200 were pretty much the same as the first three or so. Besides, we went to Curbside to catch up with some other friends and that was well worth it. Sunday morning we were up before six am to play a round of golf. Early is the best time to go because most of the wildlife is still out, it is still relatively cool, and no one else is out there to bother you. Always great conversation.

When I made it back to Va Beach, Susan and I with her son (five years old) went on a bike ride at the Dismal Swamp trail. I know it does not sound promising, but trust me, it is. The city essentially built a new road and turned the old on into a paved trail. Truthfully, that is about all the road was anyway. We road 5 miles out and 5 miles back. I was amazed that her son made it. That is a long ways for most of us, let alone a five year old. There are tons of butterflies on the trail. We saw a nutria (basically a large South American rat), but no snakes. The trail is covered with a canopy from the trees to it is pleasant even on hot days. We spent the evening watching some movies, doing a crossword, a sudoku, and the crypto quip. :-) It is so nice to share puzzles with someone!

My fourth of July was great! How about yours? We had coffee and did a crossword in the morning, went to a fantastic party about 2pm, watched fireworks on the beach, and did some drinking...enough to make me a bit sick after the fireworks :-(.

Thursday was the beginning of the Cool It series at the Chrysler Museum here. At 6pm they have a musician, singer, band play in the attrium with drinks and catered snacks. They leave the modern art exhibit open if you want to browse the art to the sound of great music. They have an amazing exhibit called Stardust and it is aptly named. I'll have some pictures of it before long because I'm going back with my camera. Stardust is a project where Jean-Christian Bourcart took pictures in movie theaters, but not of the big screen. He took pictures of the glass that the movie is projected through. The results are very cool.

Susan and I went to Busch Gardens Yesterday. Hands down, the Griffon is the most amazing coaster I have ever been on. Loch Ness monster has been my favorite since I first road on it when I was around seven. I never thought that would change, but I'm happy to report I was wrong. It really feels like you are flying on top of a Griffon, soaring through the air, swooping, diving, looping. The ride is so smooth. Exhilarating. I can't remember every having a better time at Busch Gardens either. It was hot, but the crowds were so sparse, lines were so short, and the company was the best ever. Seriously. No one has EVER pulled ME through the park before. She can really move, and that is fantastic. We mowed over meandering patrons everywhere we went, zipping betwixt strollers, stepping over small children, occasionally yelling "BEES, BEES everywhere, attacking, the agony, save yourselves" and the other patrons would scatter. :-) Apparently both of us are coaster junkies and the Griffon is our preferred hit so to speak.

Battle of the Sexes summer games is this afternoon with Meetin. It is going to be a blast!

Trance/Dance music is like audible adrenaline to me. You won't hear this on the radio, especially in the US, which is a shame. There are some very talented musicians making incredible music out there. Below are the lyrics to a song I ran across recently on Joost. I have several songs from this artist, but some how I missed this one. If you want to check out Joost leave me a comment with your email and I'll see about sending you an invitation. Mostly I get this kind of music from emusic. I find it under Electronic then Trance. With Emusic, there is no DRM, and that is important to me.

"Just Be" by DJ Tiesto
You can travel the world
But you can't run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you're searchin for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be
Just be

They say learning to love yourself
Is the first step
That you take when you want to be real
Flying on planes to exotic locations
Won't teach you
How you really feel
Face up to the fact
That you are who you are
Nothing can change that belief
Just be
Just be

'cause now I know
It's not so far
To where I go
The hardest part
Is inside me
I need
To just be
Just be

Just be
Just be
Just be

I was lost
And I'm still lost
But I feel so much better

'cause now I know
It's not so far
To were I go


Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Where did I go?

Asking myself that same question. I've had a lot to do in the last week! I got kicked off the Shitty Blog Survivor Island, mine was the weakest link! Honestly and truthfully, check out the other survivors, they are incredible and creative people. I'm glad I go to hang with them for a little bit. Life has caught up with me though and I'm in high gear trying to get ahead again. House hunting, sports, work, catching up with some friends in Richmond.........and......drumroll.....{suspense}......{sly eye arching}.....I have started.....you'll have to wait for next entry.....