Thursday, May 31, 2007

A perfect evening?

No traffic on the way home today! Has me seriously wondering what was wrong.

Picked up Brandon from the YMCA and went home to eat. Put the bikes on the back of the truck and headed down to 45th street at the beach. Parked, disembarked the bikes, headed to the boardwalk, and down to 31st Street to hear Butter. It was warm, sunny, and just amazing. We sat and listened to the band, then Brandon struck up a game of soccer with some other boys there. They had blast while I watched them, soaked up the music and the last rays of the sun for the day, and stretched my legs/joints. When the band was done with that set, we set out for the truck. We were home right at 8pm. Brandon took his medicine and went to bed. :-) I had time to read some blogs and write this entry before succumbing to sweet slumber.

Not sexy, not glamorous, didn't meet anyone (hell, didn't even talk to anyone), not terribly exciting, but it was a snippet in time that I can call mine, where my son and I sang a few songs together with the band and just enjoyed an evening. One day maybe I'll get to share it with someone and some more children, someone that can appreciate it, me, my son, and having a family all together making a memory out of a nice summer evening. Or maybe that is too much to hope for?


Wednesday, May 30, 2007

You have to know who you are dealing with....

What kind of deception is a 10 year old boy capable of? Just about every kind. They get caught too. Which surprises them every time. There really is nothing new under the sun, but they think so.

The phone call from the school nurse goes something like:
NURSE: "Your son is falling asleep in my office."
ME: "OK."
NURSE: "He says he took too much medicine this morning. Now he cannot stay awake in class. He is falling out of his chair in my office."
ME: "OK. Well, he did not have too much medicine this morning. It has to be something else." {here I wrack my brain to think of what it could be....nothing comes to mind} "I can't think of what though. He had a good weekend, the medicine did change, but he hasn't had any problems with it though."
NURSE: "Well, I'm going to let him lay down. He'll be here when you pick him up."
ME: "OK." {Damn it. Why can't he just take a nap and stay at school? He is up to something, but what? I cannot afford to take a day off from work either. Damn it!}

So, I get to the school and pick the boy up. I take him home, let him sleep. I check in about 11am, still sleeping. However, I see something under the bed and instantly I know what happened. He turned the sound off on his gameboy and played it all night last night, at least until the batteries died. Now, I want to wake him up and really let him have it! But, I wait. He gets up on his own a little while later. I ask him for the gameboy. He gives it to me. He is about to say that is not why he is tired, but my look stops him in his tracks. He does admit that he did play it the previous night.

I just let it go and do not say anything else.

After a little while he comes in and asks what he is supposed to do. I tell him the leaves in the back yard need to be raked. Thus begins the four hour dance of every five minutes having him walk in, asking if he is done, me telling him no, him pouting, going back out, occasionally slamming the door, raking, and includes one and a half major temper tantrums. The half being the steam build up for the full one. After what seems to me to be a veritable eternity, he finally almost has done a good enough job. He was attacked by ants. Brown recluse spiders and Black Widows loomed menacingly, but never seen. Poisonous snakes were slithering all about, but he couldn't quite see them. (actually, I was hoping to find a couple but none were out there). A broken bird egg was a sure sign of trouble. In the end of an adventure that would rival Indiana Jones, and certainly four hours equals two movies worth, it was finished. Leaves raked, patios swept, and we were still able to make it out to kids night at the Silver Diner so I could talk with some adults, eat a great salad, and he could play with some other children. {SIGH} Anyone want this job?


Monday, May 28, 2007

Poetry from a were warned...

Disposable Love

The recycle bin is full again,
But don’t you know, it’s a sin,
The things we use, then refuse,
Like most of life, it’s all a ruse,
A shame that people are in that category,
Good for now, with cast-off upgradeability,
Like the empty milk carton today,
When it’s gone it’s cast away,
The three year old iPod is broken,
Fix it? It’s a useless token,
No loyalty, get a brand new one,
But all it needed was a little attention,
Our relationships are like those above,
A few years old, disposable love.

On a lighter note, got out to see a great band last night, BUTTER. They play a great mix of cover songs from the eighties, nineties, and this decade. Spent a couple of hours dancing, which is remarkable given the state of my knees from my bike rides this weekend. Had a 45 minute run this morning, energized and motivated from the band and dancing last night. I'm realizing that some of my aches and pains may not go away until I start pushing some more. The poem above was inspired a little from my experiences over the past year and one or two songs I heard between the sets last night. I'm rather surprised my car didn't get towed, as I misread the signs last night and parked in a towing zone. I had a ticket, that is bad enough. Sigh, live and learn.

Huey Lewis & the News plays Friday night at the beach! I'll be taking my son to that one. Butter opens for Better than Ezra and Sugar Ray Saturday at the beach, and Butter plays Sunday afternoon at the beach. They also play Thursday early evening too so my son and I will probably go to that one also. I'm becoming a Butter sad...but the beach is just down the street, good live music, so why not? :-)

Have a great Memorial day everyone. Be safe....but push the edge, just a little.


Saturday, May 26, 2007

Memorial Day Weekend!

I have a free weekend! My son's mother actually came up for the weekend and she will take B until Monday morning! It is his birthday too, so he will be 10 years old on Sunday!!!!

I'll be spending the weekend doing as little work as possible. Went to karaoke last night, with a designated driver. I don't sing in front of folks if I still remember my name. :-) I went for a two hour bike ride through a big park this morning, going to the beach this afternoon, Smithereens are playing at the beach tonight just up from my house, more bike riding Sunday, BBQ Sunday, Shrek 3 and hiking monday, with volleyball practice monday night. We'll see what else I can fit in!

Remember the many Veterans that put their lives in harms way so that we can all enjoy peace and safety at home and on the road this weekend. Though the holiday is mostly about Veterans, don't forget the policeman and other civilians that are working non-stop all the time to keep you and your family safe at home and abroad.

Be safe! Have a great weekend!


Thursday, May 24, 2007

At least he has self-confidence....

So Brandon was telling me about his day today. He is upset because the teacher would not let some other students help him with something. He said that the second smartest kid in class was trying to help him and the teacher stopped her. I asked him who the smartest kid in class was. He said, "Me." :-)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

She challenged here it goes...

She challenged me to this. Well, not directly. I read her blog everyday because she is great like that, and she posted this. Going to give it a shot if they have room. Click on the link and sign up too!


Monday, May 21, 2007

How to wear out a ten year old, part 2

Take them to the beach and play volleyball for 2.5 hrs. Have them run and hit and run some more. Bring plenty of fluids and a snack. When you go home and eat, the child should ungracefully fall asleep in their food. :-)

The great news...the child is going to the Math and Sciences academy for elementary schools students next year!!!! WooHoo! This is something he has really wanted and worked hard to get it.

I also talked with a LCSW tonight at volleyball. She is on our team and will be getting me some information on psychiatrists, support groups, etc for my son.

Time to zonk out.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

June 14th....

Three more weeks of school. Two weeks if I can convince his mom to get him early...I mean seriously, what are they going to do the last week, especially when two of the four days they are in school are early dismissal? We had no snow days this year so I was hoping it would be even earlier than it is anyway.

Things children say...

Brandon and I were driving to see my friend in Blacksburg, early May 2005. I was in a thinking mood and Brandon was asleep. I had the windows rolled up, the stereo off, and we were on a rural Interstate. All the Interstates are rural if you are headed to Blacksburg by the way. I was mesmerized by the hum of the tires and the blur of the center white line, deep in thought, but very conscious and awake. My son stirred in the back seat. I didn't want to wake him so I stayed quiet, thinking he may go back to sleep. For a couple of minutes I think he has fallen back asleep. But then he pipes out, "Dad, are you awake?" To which I could only respond by laughing and laughing and laughing some more.

Wearing the boy out....and dad too.

This morning found me groggily waking up around 7am, wondering why I was waking up so early. Something in the back of my mind was nagging me as I slipped back into sweet and needed slumber...I was meeting a friend and her son for breakfast at 8am! I got up to quickly assess the state of the house...not good. I dragged my son out of bed. Performed CPR and various other raising the dead rites, and set him in motion doing one simplistic task after another until I was sure he wasn't sleep walking anymore. Staying so busy means the house doesn't get cleaned as often as it should. But hey, two bachelors live here....

We got the house picked up and we both showered before 8am. We went out to one of my favorite breakfast places, Pocahontas Pancake house. We then played on the beach for a bit. We played volleyball from 11:30 to 1:30, and then rock climbed from 2:00 to 4:00. We finished the day with dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen. We exchanged some movies at Blockbuster and came home to watch one. :-) He was in bed by 8:10 and asleep 3 seconds later.

It is going to be fun waking him up tomorrow. :-) We both got a little sun today too, but not too much. I put spf 30 waterproof/sportproof sunblock on him and myself.

It has been a fun day! No snakes, no dogs, but a little beer at CPK! For me, not for the boy, er, well he had root beer. His favorite drink.


Saturday, May 19, 2007


I was up late Friday night talking with a fellow blogger that has a child very similar to mine. I believe he has it a little worse though. Until people have seen it, it is very difficult to believe what these children are capable of. The frustrating part about it is that neither the child or anyone else really knows why. It was a great conversation though. My counselor said that we may be laying the groundwork for a new disorder / diagnosis. GRRRR. I do not need or want that. Stop by to say some words of encouragement to Confusedhusband and family. They could use some right now.

Of course, the conversation meant that I missed my first chance of listening to Monty's show but I have been listening a little today at Podomatic.

So, I slept in today. I was supposed to help a friend move in the morning, but she called and said she got a moving company. Thank God. I pulled a muscle playing softball Friday night. My Gluteus Maximus. Not my hamstring, not my quad, not my groin, my ass. Nothing like running like lighting to catch a ball, calling everyone off, and then missing it because the next step felt like you just got shot in your ass. No I'm trying hot and cold and lots of motrin to repair it. Volleyball practice is Sunday, and I want to go out surfing early Sunday morning if I can. Rock climbing Sunday afternoon. My son and I are a little busy this weekend. Not to mention that work called in with an issue so I am spending a little time on that too.

We went kayaking out on the beautiful Back Bay Wildlife refuge today. When we got there, no one else was there yet. Just a dog. A pretty dog. Looked like a cross between a Yellow Lab and a Weimaraner. She adopted my son and I immediately. No one else from the group showed up, so my son and I went out for a paddle by ourselves. Well, the dog came too. Seriously. I thought it was going to drown, so I paddled in some to where the dog could touch again and then it went to shore. We paddled on our way again. The dog followed on land this time, barking like crazy. We paddled into the marsh and figured the dog would give up. She didn't. We went a ways in, then turned around. Brandon was tired and my pulled muscle was starting to hurt. As soon as we turned around, there was the dog. I was astonished. Crazy dog. She followed us back too.

Just as we got back, a woman from the group that was supposed to meet us at 2pm showed up. We talked for a bit while making sure my son didn't get bit by the water snakes he found. The dog came bounding back shortly too. I felt bad, I would have gone back out, but my rear end was cramping awfully bad in the kayak, so no going back out.

We stopped at a local fitness store on the way home. They carry Thule rack systems and I need a kayak carrier for my car. We ate lunch/dinner at Quiznos. All I can say is Cheesesteak Prime Rib. Drool. We came home and I got the call from work, so I did what I needed to do for a bit. A friend of mine is in town so we met them out at the Chesapeake Jubilee. It is a big fair out here. Saturday nights are fireworks. Josh Kelley was also playing. I was half listening to him when I could not believe what I was hearing. The dude played Laudy daudy from Doug E Fresh /Slick Rick / and the Get Fresh Crew. He didn't rap it though. I know the whole rap/rhyme. I used to break dance (kind of) in high school, a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. I was trying to teach him the helicopter move last week. :-) The fireworks were amazing!

So tomorrow is surfing, breakfast with a good friend, volleyball practice, rock climbing, pizza, and then try to make it to a friend's bbq. I have a friend from Maryland coming down this week for training too. Lots going on right now.

Also, stop in and see Cynical Dad. His son was just diagnosed with Autism.


Friday, May 18, 2007

Blog Bonanza....

Aka_Monty has been a bit of an inspiration for me. Today is a blog bonanza about a book "Dangerous Book for Boys". You can read about it from her blog above. I haven't read it or about it except from Monty's blog.

I have to agree with Monty, I think that too often gender lines are drawn where they do not belong. Too often we are stigmatized because of our gender, and it affects all of society in a huge variety of ways. When people call to talk to a parent about my son, they ask for his mom. Forms are written to assume that the mother is the caretaker, the father is just a nearly useless attachment. A lot of information is shared amongst groups of women, especially stay at home moms, that never seem to make it to the fathers/men. As a single working parent and a man, I see it all the time. I've seen the jokes about incapable men, and I have seen some incapable men, but I have seen the same in women too. I just wince when I see the gender stereotypes being applied because it hurts far deeper than we realize, and we are teaching it to our children. The stigma attached to both sides is unwarranted most of the time, because if we really look closely, most of it applies to both genders of the species.

But that is not really what the post is about. More or less it is about teaching our children what there is to see and do in the world by first not being so overprotective, knowing that our children will get hurt, and they will heal. The post is also about what there really is to do based on some experiences from my own Dangerous childhood.

I want my son to experience it all. We started geocaching a few years ago. Want to get out, do some hiking, and have some great fun and experiences? Try geocaching. It is like a scavenger/treasure hunt. Step 1, get a handheld GPS unit. You can find some for around $100. Expensive I know. I haven't seen any cheaper, but maybe there are. Step 2, sign up at You can get a free membership or pay. Either way works great. Step 3, find some geocaches near you. You can take your gps unit outside your front door, get your position, and use that at as your home coordinates. It will then show you a list of caches in increasing order of distance from your coordinates. Step 4, get some knick knacks. Step 5, go find it. Step 6, when / if you find it, take something, leave something, sign the log, take some pictures, and have fun. Step 7, see step 3. :-)

Hiking is just a great activity all the way around. You never really know what you are going to run into or see. Snakes, deer, turtles, rabbits, frogs, lizards, eagles, hawks, ospreys, owls, squirrels, chipmunks, ground hogs, wild horses, boar, aligators, coyotes, bears, rocks, bugs, crazy looking beetles, centipedes, creeks, streams, rivers, and so much more. My son ran down a steep rocky slope once at Patapsco park in Maryland. As fast as he could he ran. I was one step behind him and could not catch up. I was expecting him to lose his footing and tumble literally head over heels, but he didn't. We walk on fallen trees across streams and into swamps. In Richmond, at Belle Isle State Park, there is a huge area of exposed boulders where the James rivers routes around the North side. I teach him to run up and down the boulders, how to jump from one to the other, and how to look for where snakes may be hiding. We have found a few there. We did a six mile hike once in a wild life refuge. We stopped on the way home to eat. We watched VT play football and picked blue crab for a couple of hours. The waitress said he was the best behaved boy she had ever seen. I laughed and said, we just hiked six miles, he is too tired to move, and loves crab so he doesn't want to miss a bite! :-) We go kayaking at a local canal lock nearby. I call it canal surfing. When the locks open, the boats come flying out with big wakes. We line up and I paddle like mad. I tell Brandon to lean forward, and we surf the wakes. He loves it. Kayaking back in March was fantastic for my son and the other boy that came along. Nothing like hiking through marsh mud, finding hermit crabs and conchs while the dads are dragging the kayaks because it is low tide and our timing was lousy. Imagine how they loved playing in the dunes and the vast expanse of exposed beach with millions of shells and sand dollars. I've been trying to get him up on a snowboard for the last couple of years. The lack of snow this year hampered that effort, but he is really getting better. We have been ice skating for the last couple of years, but Brandon just wasn't really getting it. This year he did amazing, almost like he was born with the skates on. I might be able to get him surfing this year, we will see. I encourage him to climb, and sometimes I regret it. He does great at the rock gym, and the various trees around, but when he tries to climb on top of the U.S. Constitution at the National Archives, or scaled the IRS building I really start to rethink that decision. Now, given his nature, he really does it naturally. I've taught him how to ride and navigate the metro in DC. He plays poker at lunch in school. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. :-) We go to art museums, and he loves art. We build sand sculptures and castles at the beach. I've taught him how to make tunnels and moats. We do so much more.

Some things I did as a child, I hope he doesn't experience....No need to catch an alligator, it is a victory that doesn't last long. You quickly realize that there is not a parent on the planet cool enough to let you keep it. Well, we never got the chance to ask, the police showed up just as we got it out of the creek and took it away. I hope he never dislocates or breaks anything. I've been teaching him to tuck and roll, and he learned it in karate too, so I hope that saves him some pain. I hope he never nearly cuts his thumb off while trying to get to the core of a golf ball. Once you get the skin off it isn't so bad, and depending on the ball, there is some cool stuff. some are essentially a really long rubber band wound up really tight and small. You can really make some deep cuts in your thumb and still heal fine without stitches. No need to really get within touching distance of poisonous snakes. No need to ride a bike down really steep hills with no hands. No need to hit the front brakes of a 10 speed while going really fast. No need to play football on pavement where you can make a flying catch, get tangled in a bike, and all your weight on a knee. He doesn't have any siblings, so no chance of him hitting his brother in the head with a baseball. He doesn't need to experience chiggers. Nobody should have to go through that.

Some things I would like for him to do. Play in the tide pools around Pacific Grove on the Monterey Bay. Hike in Yosemite. See the stars in the desert in Nevada. Snowboard the slopes in Utah. Whitewater raft anywhere. See the Grand Canyon. Experience snorkeling and scuba diving. Have the courage to do just about anything he wants. Have the courage to fall in love, and truly love.

None of this is limited to any gender. I would want the same things for my daughter, if I had one. And I wish I did. Sure there are differences, but people deserve a chance regardless of their gender. I wish there were more women in my field. I would want a woman to do all of the above with. Not competitively, but cooperatively, sharing the experiences with each other and our children.

The world is dangerous, but even more so if we try too hard to protect our children from it, rather than teaching them about it.


Math and Sciences Academy...

The principal of the Math and Sciences academy called today. Brandon has been offered a seat next year. Normally I would be jumping up and down and very excited. However, I now need to talk with a number of people about whether it would be better to stay where he is, and whether he can go and still get the ED attention he needs. I have already misunderstood the academy situation once and I can't afford to make a mistake with this.

I guess he really did do great on the exam! :-) He is going to be SO THRILLED!

He won't be thrilled that no one called him back about his request to go see his friend today. He called from school asking if he could ride their bus home, but neither the child or parent called him back to say he was welcome. I didn't think they would, but it hurts him most of all.

Have a great weekend. I have a lot planned for us, going to be busy.


Another meeting note....

It was brought up during the meeting Thursday that my son applied for the math and science magnet school for elementary students. He really wanted this. He was accepted but put on a waiting list. I told them about something he said when he took the test. I forgot he was supposed to take his test the day it was scheduled. I remembered when I got home. I told him I was sorry I forgot about it. He said, "Don't worry Dad, I did great!" :-)

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Brighter side of the meeting....

Everyone at the school agrees that Brandon is a great child. He is warm, personable, caring, and truly desires to do well. At the end of the meeting we were all talking about the great things Brandon does.

He is full of energy and life. He is all overflowing with wise counsel. He has been in therapy for a long time. He knows it all. Various coping methods, ways to vent that are acceptable, you name it. He often talks to other children that have gotten in trouble or are sad and shares skills he has learned. :-) In the lunch bunch groups (groups for kids dealing with various issues) Brandon is the leader. He knows how you are supposed to deal with just about everything. He teaches all of the teachers and staff things every day. They love him. I guess we all know that it is easier to tell someone how to do something than it is to really do it. Unfortunately, Brandon knows exactly what to do, he just cannot do it. When it comes right down to it, if we are really honest with ourselves, it is hard to do the right thing sometimes, especially when we are hurt or overwhelmed. I always wanted a different childhood for him, and now it is almost gone.


We all got'em. What do we do with them?

My son is now labeled "Emotionally Disturbed". Official. In his record. Found out that parents do not want their children in class with him. They do not want their children sitting near him. They are afraid to send their children to school with him. Everyone is at a loss. Medication is working at home, but at school he has become a nightmare. One area always seems to get better while another falls. He isn't doing any work in school anymore and has reverted back to the behavior he had last year. So, what to do now?

They are going to do an IEP next week, and BIP shortly after. They are starting the gifted paperwork. He was accepted to the Math and Science Academy, but is on a waiting list. Because he didn't start in second grade, the kids that are in fourth grade this year have precedence. Not likely he will get there. As a magnet school I thought it was a gifted program. It is not. I understand the distinction now. They will put my son into a gifted cluster class next year, provided some improvement in his behavior occurs, but he cannot test for the gifted program until the fall. The two magnet programs he applied for do not count for the gifted program.

Good and bad things came out of the meeting. It was not nearly as hopeful as I wanted. I pretty much went the other way. {HEAVY SIGH}


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Large heavy decisions....

I have to move. I cannot stay where I am any longer. The decision on where to go though is a problem. A Big problem.

My problem is that my son is in a great school, with a great staff. A staff that has now worked with him for a full year. A staff that knows him. A staff I have to meet with Thursday afternoon to discuss his future with. If I move away from this school, I then have to spend another year to get back to this point. Another year wasted with my son. I talked with my son's counselor Tuesday about the upcoming meeting and she gave me some great information. I then had to tell her I needed to move. She did a double take, and nearly angrily responded with "WHAT?" Ouch. I explained why and understanding took over the disbelieving look on her face. She knows and understands. Her response really made me think, if I move, what will I be doing to my son? If I stay, what will I be doing to my son?

I live two streets over from the woman I wanted to marry. She has five amazing children. Ok, all children are amazing, but her are specially so since I thought I was going to be their stepfather. They were very excited starting off the school year, telling the staff that they were all brothers and sisters. Three of those children are in that school. One is the same age as Brandon. Everyday is painful. Everyday reminds me of a future I wanted more than anything and now will never have. Brandon was a part of that, and a part of the rift, and a part of the hurt. No doubt that this has factored heavily into his slide since December. I can imagine, to some extent, how having the dream of being part of a whole family again pulled right out from under you would hurt, and not being able to know why. Brandon called over to her eleven year old son today to ask if he could come over. He got the answering machine and left a message. He ended the message so innocently, so unthinkingly, so impulsively, so emotionally with "I love you, I mean, I'll see you, but I do love you, you are like my closest friend, so, I guess I do love you." What, really, have we done to our children? So I have to move.

It isn't so easy. I rent a house. My lease ends in July. But where to move to? What makes the most sense? What is best for Brandon?

I have a chance of getting Brandon into an ED category. I have a chance of getting him into the gifted cluster class at this school, and into ED sessions on a regular basis. This addresses the twice exceptional status. He would get the advanced curriculum, while getting the Emotional help he needs. It is the first real ray of hope I have had in a long time. I'm going to fight for this. Brandon deserves it. If they grant it, then I am definitely staying, just moving. If they don't, I'll have to weigh what they say/do with moving closer where I have some parental support.


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Mistakes and coffee....

The mistake today was not making a full pot of coffee this morning...
CroutonBoy ((aka Cheeky's Hideaway) from the Dadcentric bloggers wrote about Starbucks and being out of coffee. He mentions that Cafe Verona is his favorite coffee. I bought a bag, and it is delicious. I stayed home today, not feeling too well, and I made a four cup pot. I needed twelve.

My son is reading the Guinness World Records 2006. Today he reads about the worlds most expensive coffee on our way to see his counselor. It is Kopi Luwak. It comes from Irian Jaya, Indonesia. Only 500lbs are made each year, and it costs $300/lb. He reads that it has to do with the way the beans are processed and harvested. It is unique. The Sumatran Civet Cat lives in the mountain ranges and eats the ripest coffee cherries it can find. The locals pick the beans out of the excrement they can find and sell the coffee. I am silent. I want to hear what he thinks of this. I KNOW what I think of it, not having any of that. After nearly a minute of silence, "OK, THAT is DISGUSTING!" At least he has some sense....


Monday, May 14, 2007


So Saturday evening, my son and I both have a box of whoppers, and we are sharing a large coke, getting ready to enjoy spiderman 3. During one of the previews, I take another sip of coke. My son is concerned about the amount of coke I have consumed to this point, and he should be. I can suck down vast quantities of any liquid before even I realize it. As my hand slips over and grabs the cup again, I pull it out of it's holder, and begin to lift it to my lips. The very loud preview we were watching suddenly ends at that moment. The silence in the theater is amazing. Everyone is rapt, waiting the next carefully crafted and momentous assault on their senses. However, my son was already in motion, breath exhaling, vocal cords vibrating, just fractions of a second before the preview clip ended. The silence was obliterated by a small child. One small child. My child. His piercing high pitched voice frantic with fear that his coke might disappear, broadcasts through three theaters, "DAD!!!! Don't Drink it AAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!" The explosion of laughter throughout the theater must have been terrifically gratifying for my child, the lover of all things attention-focused on him.

Sunday, it was rumored that Spiderman and his Spiderchild visited Seashore state park in Virginia Beach. There have been reports that this dynamic duo raced through the park, jumping over and onto trees, then springing off again with amazing agility and dizzying acrobatics. They were rather chaotic, and it is amazing neither sustained any injuries, especially the older one. There really isn't anything better than taking a child through a forest or swamp, and showing the things that are there, great and small.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Happy Mother's Day!

To all moms everywhere!
Below is a poem, one of my favorite ever. It was written by J.D. Frazer of Userfriendly an Internet Cartoonist and Author. I love the comic strip because it is the best geek humor around. Foxtrot was pretty good too, but Userfriendly is an environment nearly identical to an Internet Service Provider I used to be a part of in Richmond, VA. Those guys are now Convergent Technologies Group of Virginia and they are kickass friends as well as the best Information Technology services group around.

But this is about MOMS. My mom died in February 2001. She died of Lung Cancer. I was there. I miss her like you wouldn't believe. She was always full of life and energy and always put other people first. She loved my brother and I intensely and she always made sure we knew it. I haven't always been the best child, but she stuck with me all the same, through everything. Some things I am glad she hasn't been around to see, others I would give absolutely anything to for her to be here or for me to talk to. I've needed her now more than ever. She would have been the coolest Grandmother ever for Brandon. I wish he would have been able to know her more than the little time he had. His other Grandmother was also claimed by cancer, just four months after he was born. I was there for that too. She was another amazing woman, and again, I have needed her now more than ever. I'll take any help I can get really, but these two women, totally different from each other, were strong, wise, and overflowing with love. You cannot replicate or replace a mom, a grandmother, a great grandmother. I remember them all, each moment, as though I was still next to them, soaking up their words, their hugs, their affection, their smiles, the essence of who they were. In that way they live on in me, but I cannot translate that to my son.

Moms, you are the absolute best. No one will ever love your children as much as you. Even though your children may not act like it matters to them, you and your love will be the most important thing to them for their entire lives. You matter far more maybe than you will ever ever know. It is never a matter of perfection, being the perfect Mom, it is only ever about CARING and LOVE. The kind of love that sticks with you through everything. Moms love like that. The time we have, had, together was far too short, by a thousand years, and time stole you away far too soon.

Motherhood, O Gordian Rite,
Chafed with paints of life,
A canvas thick with lighter oils,
Yet stained by Quiet Strife.

Ideal heights, and high ideals,
Make us aim for steeples.
I try, you try, to clutch our bond,
Yet prove we’re different people.

Words, O Words, what they can say,
Real things not just tokens!
Yet sometimes thought departs my mind,
And wrong words become spoken.

A Turn of phrase I cannot quoth,
Nor proffer due salute,
So gifts I give to speak for me,
A poet fallen mute.

Due words I mightn’t ever say,
And you mightn’t always see,
Yet when time arrives to take your hand,
I’ll say time stole you from me.

My son in the newspaper...

In July 2006, right after we moved from Maryland back here to Virginia Beach, a heat wave rolled through the region. My son was in camp for the week at Triple R ranch. I got to work one Thursday morning looked at the paper. On the front page, over half of the ENTIRE front page, was my son. Below is the picture.

This past week, the apparently photogenic Brandon, was again selected to appear in the paper. This time in the Va Beach local Beacon. They did an article on high school students mentoring elementary school students to prep for Standards of Learning tests.

what it is like....

Talking with and dealing with my son every day. Every one. No one else wants to do it. I feel like am either losing, or have lost this battle, can no longer save him.

The Fray

"How To Save A Life"

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Something to practice....

My son's counselor in Maryland introduced this to us. It can be hard to implement in the moments of intense emotion, but it can be practiced. The counselor I am seeing brought it back up this past week. It makes perfect sense, but like so many things is not so easy to remember and use.

I feel statements.

I feel ignored and unimportant when you tell me you are going to come see me and then do not show up or call. It would help me if you would either not promise to be there, call and let me know if the plans change, or keep the promise and be there for me.

What I felt was anger, and that is what came out, but what I really felt was hurt, ignored, unimportant. Anger was the expression of the feelings, but not really the feeling itself. But anger is strong and scary, and elicits an equally strong and scary response, but it may not necessarily be anger, depends on the person. Maybe the person responds with silence and abandonment? Or something else. We are all different. Decoding responses is hard.

I have to try to do this more often. But expressing feelings and emotions is not easy, it makes us vulnerable.

Magnolia spew....

While playing softball last night, my son entertained himself by knocking the flowers out of the magnolia trees around the field. We didn't get home until after 11, but the boy slept until 10am. Anyone need magnolia demolition? I'm contracting him out, I could certainly use the rest.

Quote of the day....
Goo Goo Dolls "F*cking up takes practice, I feel I'm well rehearsed"

Pretty much sums up how I feel.

Sometimes it's easier to find a song, a poem, a quote, a lyric, a good for now person, a quick fix than it is to really know what you want and give your entire soul to get it. I'm starting to realize that once you have given your heart and soul like that, there really is no getting it back. They have to grow again from scratch, the phoenix, rising from the ashes of disaster. So where do you go? Take a step, a look, stand up, move, pick a direction, explore, nurse the new you? Where do you go, what do you do, when there are no stars, no sun, no light, no path, no sound in the pit you have fallen into? Sensory deprivation, emotional implosion.

I watched a movie the other night called "Hideous Kinky". A young English mother takes her two daughters from London to "escape" and go on a spiritual journey to Morocco. Why do we go to such lengths, take tremendous journeys, risking so much, to come face to face with what we were ignoring all along?

Something new from the raging battle....

Sister Hazel

"Where Do You Go"

Broke the ring around it
I can't think about it
I can barely start to even wrap my head around it

Waters rise around us
Sinking ships around us
I can't believe she even found a way inside to drown us

I'm not so sure anymore what's next
Or if there's anything left for us
What will we find inside of the wreck
Yeah we both know it's all just washed away

Where do you go and what do you do
All you have left is hanging on you
Where do you go and what do you do
When you lose everything you ever knew

Shine a light into it
Shoot a canon through it
Spill it all and hope you find a way to make it through it
'Cause down is up and up is down
And love lies dying all on the ground
You find a line that's in the sand and figure out who drew it

[Pre Chorus]

Broke the ring around it
I can't think about it
I can barely start to even wrap my head around it

'Cause down is up and up is down
And love lies dying all on the ground
You find a line that's in the sand and figure out who drew it

[Chorus x2]

What is below....some strange kind of post/blog/poem-a-thon...

The next several posts down are all various poems, etc, that I have written here and there. Some of them are strange, or silly, or are about people that have passed through my life. There really aren't that many. I had more, but a hard drive crash and a broken heart destroyed some of them. While I can do forensic recovery on the hard drive, the heart is a whole different matter. Well, it is late and I am blogged out. Continue reading the posts below, and warnings that accompany Vogon poetry apply....


An FWB that went a little too far...You can tell by the poem. Again, A while back, but after the end of my marriage, now just a poem I forget I have....

The Faerie

The fates and the faerie conspired against me,
Red hair, blue eyes, a major vulnerability,
Wonderful smile, intelligent, my recent tragedy,
I’m such a pathetic target, why bother me?

My defenses are gone but I ask her out,
A knockout lunch, I’m out for the count,
Sky lights, blue shirt, her eyes steal your soul,
I’ve fallen head first into that rabbit’s hole.

A friendship, nothing more, I try to say,
She’s in my thoughts every minute, every day,
Each conversation leaves me yearning for more,
I’ve never been struck like this before.

Like Elvish Magic are her voice and her stare,
Leaving you wondering how you got there,
Dull is the noon sun compared to her laugh,
All I want is each moment to last and to last.

Maybe it was the timing that led to my doom,
Too much, too deep, too “attached”, too soon,
We talked every night, spent weekends together,
I still spend every moment dreaming of her.


Somethings lost, most yearned for, though they can never be regained.

The hidden message

A ChInese fire kiss
A sizzLing Boardwalk moment
A hidden NOte
A blend of Voices singing hymns
Warmth sharEd on a wintery stroll
FunnY crossword moments
These are all memOries of US!
This hidden message is for yoU!

poem-a-thon may be more apt....

The Dots

Have you ever looked closely at a TV screen?
Up close the picture is not what it seems.
It’s a mixture of dots colored red, blue, and green
Like our lives, up close, things are not what they seem.

There is a filter over MY Picture in the frame.
Some things are covered for which I am ashamed.
Or maybe they’re shielded to make you less afraid.
The picture, through filter, just isn’t the same.

I use my own filters when looking at others lives,
Filters upon filters, they build over time,
A jumble of dots is what’s left on the outside,
Connect them together, you’ll have a vague outline.

But if it’s truly ME you want to see,
Pull away the filters to get underneath,
Willing to remove your own filters you must be,
If you want the full picture of the dots that are me.

Then connect the dots, one by one.
You will see a true picture of me has begun.
The dots are not dots but experiences in time,
Only by knowing them, can I be defined.

Blog-a-thon continues....

The Difference

There was a change you see, in you and me,
We are not the same as we used to be,
Fifteen years since eighty-eight,
Changes wrought by choice and fate.

Possibly we were doomed from the start,
Two different people worlds apart,
But opposites attract as you know,
Eventually opposite ways they must go.

I was a brainiac, you were not,
You were religious, I was not,
Very few interests were on common ground,
Very little commonality could be found.

Friends we started out as and should have stayed,
But then there was the night I was saved,
The beginning of the merge between you and I,
But somewhere it stopped in the by and by.

I chose a different path than the one we were on,
I thought you were with me and so I moved on,
I thought we were growing closer not apart,
So when troubles came, they shredded our hearts.

I’m not the same person you married you see,
I became a new creature, with a new philosophy,
But now I’ve reverted back to the person you knew,
When we first met and all was brand new.

I’m sorry it happened, I didn’t plan it this way,
It was a culmination of our choices on the way,
We can’t change the beginning or anything since,
Our Choices and Fate have made the difference.

A post-a-thon....why not....

Ok,it is now 2:20 am. Another poem. Sorry, but I feel like sharing, so if you decide to read, I apologize now. The poems aren't great, but I use them to capture some emotion or thought. Some are too energetic, too expansive, or too painful to capture yet, but I'm sure everyone involved is hoping that it quits soon...

In the mean time, a poem about my son, me, and getting older.

A Reflection

A melancholy mood struck me today,
And I started reflecting on life’s journey,
I am the father of a little boy,
Whose antics are causing me to worry.

That little boy has boundless energy,
He bounces through this world in flurry,
Climbing and flipping, consequences? He doesn’t care,
He only wants to satisfy his endless curiosity.

I started thinking of another little one,
Who loved to play in rain and sun,
He climbed roofs, set fires, and walked city streets alone,
One that knew no consequences, until after the deed was done.

This little boy believed that every day was Christmas,
And that over every hill was a magic kingdom,
He looked at the clouds and imagined playing on them,
Somewhere, these little children still live within us.

Our daily battles are hard fought, and our wisdom is hard won,
The Magic of our childhood is lost, and maturity has begun,
But stop and reflect, let a child remind you,
Regardless of the consequences, don’t forget to have some fun.

Another poem....

I guess I'm just feeling post-prone tonight. It is like 2:07am. An email battle of hate, and hurt, and love, deep disappointment, and desperate hope is raging. I hate it. More than anything, I just wanted a complete family to belong to, to love, to hug, to dance with, to raise, to be happy with, to be sad with....but no chance of that happening at this point, and the depressions returns with reinforcements.

Love isn't always an emotion. Sometimes it is a stick-to-it, I have your back, you have mine, we are in the fox hole getting shot at, but we are going to slog through it even though you are being a jerk right now decision. I can certainly be quite a jerk. I can also be quite awesome too.

I wrote this a few weeks after my mom died, and about six months before my wife and I separated...all in 2001.

Friends First and Forever

In the beginning your looks drew me near
But it's our friendship that keeps me here
We were not lovers but friends from the start
And it was our friendship that captured my heart

There's no other beauty in this world you can find
That can capture my heart or change my mind
I share everything with you and leave nothing out
I'll love you forever, of that there's no doubt

We've had some problems, and have often been sad
But sharing them with you I'll look back and be glad
You were there by my side in my most troubled times
And when you smile, my whole world just shines

Another day has come and another one has gone
The future is cloudy but still we move on
Forever is waiting for you and I
We'll meet it together, you're hand in mine

A poem

Six years ago, when my marriage was dying, I turned to writing to try and purge the anger and the bitterness from me. I am having a harder time now. Maybe more of me had died off and there is less now to draw from? This poem was written just days before my separation. I was driving back from a week long class in Richmond. It was late October. I had the windows down and sunroof open in my truck. Sunlight had warmed and flooded my universe. My soul was happy. It was a torrent of leaves quite literally. So much so that they were practically blowing into the truck.

Traveling in Fall

It was a warm Indian summer day,
As I traveled along my lonely way,
The many splendorous autumn leaves,
Were spilling from their parent trees.

Earlier and Earlier sinks the afternoon sun,
Shadows lengthen one by one,
And the Eternal Ethereal Bell,
Of the changing seasons knells.

As I watched this, I began to think,
What have I done this day, this week,
For surely I can not go back again,
For surely one day, this all will end.


We had smores last week. I should have written then, but I was distracted. We had a campfire, marshmallows, graham crackers, chocolate bars, the works. A friend had an excellent recommendation. She said to use reeses cups. Mmmmmmm. Yum. I love reeses! I LOVE reeses. Our campfire was actually a sterno fuel cup. We have a small smores set built for dining rooms. Metal pokers for roasting the marshmallows over the flame. The marshmallows burst in flame a couple of times. We had a blast, but not literally. The reeses were a huge hit and will be part of my smores adventures from now on!

Week days and Saturdays...

The week is hustle and bustle for us. Up at the last possible moment in the morning. To School just before tardy. To work in enough time to work eight hours and still get home to get my son by 6:00pm. Exercise or not exercise. Home to cook dinner. Do something for a few minutes with Brandon, TV, Game, something, then Brandon goes to bed. I am up for a little while making phone calls, reading blogs, writing blogs, email, bills, etc. Then we do it again the next day. Some days I forget to breathe, and it shows. No oxygen is getting to my brain. The first half of the day at work I drink coffee. The second half, water. Eat? Maybe. This isn't really even existing. Not for me, not for my son.

Saturday will bring Kayaking if the weather doesn't turn bad. We had a great kayak camping trip back in March. I'll have to post a picture of the shells and sand dollars we found. Before or after kayaking will be Spiderman 3. Anyone want to come along?


Thursday, May 10, 2007


Wine festival is Saturday in Norfolk. No babysitter. It probably would be better to take my son kayaking and to see Spiderman 3. It is a wine festival though. Wine, and lots of it. Lots of RED wine. GRRRR.

Beer festival is next Saturday.

Salmon tonight turned out very well. Huge 2 lb slab. I sprinkle it with old bay or some other fish rub, basil, and some olive oil. Cook it at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Scrumptious every time. Better when still hot. I'll have salmon for a week though! :-)

I am seriously jonesing for some sushi. I think this weekend will include a trip to my favorite sushi place. My son loves sushi too. Dragon rolls and Rainbow rolls are his favorite.


No sense laughing over spilled milk...

Well, Tuesday night we spent two hours rock climbing. My hands and forearms were very tired after that. Wednesday night I did my upper body workout, which consists of weightlifting for my chest, shoulders, back, and arms. Brandon and I had to stop at the grocery store to get a few things and pick up a prescription. I know all of the pharmacists and helpers there now. It seems like I am there every week or so with some new prescription for either my son or I. I have a mini pharmacy in my kitchen now. The main thing I needed was milk and cereal for my son. I should have also picked up a couple of bottles of wine and some beer, alas, another time. Did I mention I had really worked my arms over the past 24 hours? We got home and unloaded the car. I went out to get the last two bags and the milk. I was holding onto the milk with my right hand while raising it to close the hatchback. The downward motion with the milk was too much for my tired hand and the milk kersplatted on the ground. Immediately the container ushered forth the gulp gulp gulp sound of escaping milk. A small white lake formed on my driveway followed by a small white river snaking away from the lake, while the gulp gulp gulp sound continued to signal that the bottom of the gallon container was cracked wide open and allowing the milk to escape. I started laughing. What else can you do right? Then, duh-duh, a bright idea shone in the darkness. I could pick it up, turn it upside down and get the rest of it into a pitcher! Milk is far too expensive to just laugh or cry over anymore. Turning it upside down allowed me to discover that the container was fractured on both ends. Oh well, there will be a milk trail in the house, but the milk must be saved! I ran inside and placed it in the sink. I directed my son to start wiping up the milk trail whilst I located the long lost pitcher. Fortunately it was quickly found and I believe we saved at least a half gallon, if not more, of milk. Not a noteworthy story by any measure, but if that is the most exciting thing that happens this week then I'll be very happy.

My son brought home a letter from the gifted education teacher at his school. The letter was for me. I had asked her to send me some information on a seminar they had last year about "Twice Exceptional" students. You see, I was out playing volleyball at the beach and I met a special education teacher and talked to her about my son. She recalled this seminar. Now I have some information. Why they could not have given this to me when we were going through the special education committee meetings the first part of the year, I don't know. I guess I didn't know how to ask the right question, but I think I found one. So, what is twice exceptional? Some kids are considered 'gifted' and they discover this through testing. Some kids have learning disabilities and they discover this through pretty much the same method. Then you have children in the middle. Well, there is this fourth category (maybe more). Twice exceptional is used to define children that have above average intelligence, but also have learning disabilities. They often go undiagnosed because the intelligence kind of masks the disability. My son sort of falls into this category. What does it all mean? I do not know yet. I have to finish reading the material they sent home. As I blogged about previously, my son does not really 'fit' in the normal class. His grades are too good and he is too capable for special education so he does not fit there. His behavior/emotional problems also prevent him from moving into the gifted programs too. So he does not really fit anywhere. It really is no wonder he has some anger issues, I would too if I was rejected everywhere I went and by everyone I met and I could not get any help or love.


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Rock Climbing....

My son and I went rock climbing last night. We have been doing this every couple of months for about four years now. We have been more active with it lately. It is a blast. Brandon loves it. We tried a new place last night, a local sporting goods store. The employees belay you and the walls are more challenging and higher than our local rock gym. Tuesday's are 2 for 1 nights. $3 for adults ($2 for children), two climbs, and they belay and provide all of the gear. That rocks, pun intended! We'll probably end up there every Tuesday night from now on.

Check out local rock gyms around you. Most have a kids time where the employees belay the kids. It is usually coupled with a belay class for adults. Kids that like to climb (like my son and I) usually love the experience and it completely wears them out! Guaranteed nap time after the session. :-)

Brandon on the wall in 2003...


Jedi Master....

Pretty cool what you can do with a lightsaber and an open shutter.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Dragon Hunting....

A little over a year ago, I asked my son if he wanted to go Dragon hunting. He said yes of course. We were living in Maryland and nearby was this totally magical state park, Patapsco Valley State Park. We set out in an area we hadn't been through before, looking for signs of Dragons and documenting them with pictures. Here is a narration of that journey....

Expedition leader: Brandon

The first sign we came across were these peculiar trees. It was rumored that in the presence of Dragons, these trees would not lose their leaves in winter, and the leaves would turn sort of white instead of normal fall colors.

Scorched and fallen trees are a sure sign of Dragons. Everyone knows this. Now, we did not expect to really find any Dragons. They are a mystical, magical, and loner sort of creature. We expected them to be well hidden, but we certainly found a lot of evidence that some might be around.

The railroad tracks were not a good sign. Too much civilization/industrialization. But, in such a populated area, the Dragons could use the noise to help mask their movements. We weren't sure about this.

We decided to head up this ridge to get a better vantage point of the whole valley and hopefully spot some signs that we were missing down in the brush. It wasn't an easy climb, but we made it. It did help us in our search though. At the top we found some places where it looked like Dragons liked to slide down.

We also found a tree that looked like young Dragons had scratched up. They are intelligent creatures you know, and territorial.

Dragon berries. Very important in a young Dragon's diet.

Shallow rivers and streams are very important. They are a source of water for the Dragons. The rocks also help the Dragons stay clean and scratched. Dragons have a hard time finding anyone that will scratch them you know.

We had traveled a long way by this point. We stopped to eat a snack and drink some. When we got up to continue on, we saw that we had been visited while we were resting. There was nothing in the woods around us when we sat down, but when we got up, we found three cairns around us. Now we knew we were close!

The great Dragon Expedition leader takes a leap of faith....

We found some rocks that looked like adult Dragons had been sharpening their talons on.

And that was the last clue we found that day. We never did see a Dragon, but we sure had a lot of fun looking! If you want to see more of Patapsco, check out my link on the right to my picasa page. There is an album there dedicated to Patapsco.


Monday, May 07, 2007

Things to watch when nothing is on....

My son and I will watch movies while we eat dinner sometimes. We also watch the discovery channel and animal planet. We don't do this often mind you, but on occasion. Tonight was Discovery "What the ancients knew" and they talked about the ancient Chinese and their various inventions that it took the west hundreds or thousands of years to catch up to. We had dinner, followed by brownies and ice cream. :-)

But, when there is truly nothing on then I can recommend the following....

Monty writes about the following link, TV Links and it is a huge collection of tv shows, movies, and more. Check it out, but don't blame me if you get hooked.

The other is Joost.

I haven't tried either one but I am looking forward to it. I lag behind most tv shows by a couple of years. Pop Culture is a category of trivia I will always be terrible at. I generally just do not have the time.

Have a night, a day, a week, a month. Unplug for a bit. I did this past weekend and it did me some good. I got to talk to Jules last night and that was very encouraging. I started looking through blogs to find people that were at the very least single parents, and hoping to find some folks that I could relate to with a special needs child. The blogs to the right are a good start! Jules and Monty are always a great read with unique perspectives. Anyone that is willing to reach out and just lend a listening and empathetic ear is particularly special. It was so nice to talk to someone that has been through what I am going through.

Today was a better day. I started with a run (nearly killed me, but not quite), had a good day at work (not bad for a Monday), had a good workout this evening, and like I said above, finished with a brownie and ice cream. :-) I work out so I can eat you know.

And now a picture. The biggest BAUS (Big Ass Ugly Spider) spider I have ever had the misfortune to see in person. From Robbers Cave State Park, somewhere east of McAllister, OK, July 2002. I can palm a basketball, and this thing was nearly the size of my hand. I almost backed into it trying to get a picture of the second largest BAUS spider I have ever had the misfortune of seeing in person. I still shudder at the thought of what might have been.....


Thursday, May 03, 2007

I'm not superman....

Several years ago, I first heard Five for Fighting's "Superman (It's not easy)" and it really resonated with me. I was a single parent even then. I was spending my evenings teaching my son to swim, catch, throw, hit, duel with lightsabers, and much more. I was also trying to pay off $45K of consumer debt. I was trying to take college courses to get my degree. AND I was working full time as a Systems / Security Engineer. When my son went to bed, I was networked into customer systems, on the phone with customers, building lab models for migrations and evaluating new products, and I never slept. I took online courses through Strayer. Hell, I was also dating. I had customers that thought I was superman with networks, and they literally cheered when I walked through the door. The song resonated with me because I was tired and I knew I was not superman, I did not want to be superman. My son expected me to be superman for him. I tried to be superman for the women I dated, and they let me of course. I tried so hard not to let anyone down, to be selfless, and I couldn't say no. Things started falling apart of course. My son had his problems with behavior and school. My work wanted me to do more not less, so I was looking for another job. I finished paying off my debt. I found a job in Maryland that worked 8 hours a day and I could NOT work from home. I finished my degree. I stopped dating for a while, and honestly I shouldn't have started back again. Once I finally got somethings off my plate, I could just be that much more superman for the women I went out with, and that has been my biggest mistake.

Today I feel like I have kryptonite shackled around my neck. I have two separate doctor appointments for my son tomorrow. For the first time ever I am seriously contemplating sending my son to his mom's. She has come a long way and he would have a two parent home there. It has got to be better than being here. My strength is waning more everyday. I mentioned this to her a few days ago and she is very receptive to the idea, probably for the child support I would send more than anything though. I don't want to try and fly any more. I want to cry and bleed like everyone else. I am tired of coming to the rescue. I have seen people take the selfish road and come out the better for it. Sometimes I get tired of always doing the right thing and making the sacrifices, I'm tired of it being expected of me, and I'm tired of being taken advantage of.

There is a line in the song that has a special meaning for me too. I'm a Navy brat. Asking me where I am from is one of the harder questions for me to answer. "Find a way to lie, about a home I'll never see."

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

I hope you dance...

Not really an invitation to go clubbing...but I'm up for it...not what I'm talking about though. Not line dancing either...6'2" and clumsy, line dancing can too quickly turn into "domino dancing". I have met a number of people lately that remind me of the song "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack. I'm not really a country music fan, but the song strikes a chord in me. It is about getting out and enjoying life and not being too afraid or thinking too much of yourself to do it. I sometimes have a hard time with both. It is also very hard not to be bitter after losing what I thought was a love bound for eternity, but that is a battle I fight daily too and too often lose.

A couple of suggestions for getting out and doing things if you have no idea where to start are Meetin and Meetup. These are not singles groups, but groups of adults that are active doing a large variety of activities, and they are all fun. You may be surprised at what there is to do near you, and even more surprised at who is doing it! :-)

But sometimes, even if you have to go by yourself, the trip and the views are totally worth it.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate the fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith the fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)