Miracles

I was reading a post by That Mommy and she mentions the movie Bruce Almighty. It was a pretty funny movie. However, it made an excellent point, whether they meant to or not. We all want some supernatural power to swoop in and carry our problems away, punish those that have wronged us, and set everything right with the world. That is not likely to happen. We can lament about a God (or Gods) that allows all of these terrible things to happen, but in truth it is not God's fault or doing. The point that the movie makes is that the greatest miracles are the ones that happen every day. Not the parting of the seas, or the raising of the dead, but rather the kind words, extra pair of hands, or the hug that you can give to someone that is desperately seeking some miracle. In short, each of us has an unlimited number of miracles to give, that is our power. How often do we really use it? The draw of most of the world's religions is not the supernatural miracles performed, but rather that the focal point for most of them is a person that actually walked among us. A person that shook our hands, fed us, gave us drink, talked with us, touched our children, and thereby changed our lives. Our greatest heroes are normal people, just like us, that step up and do things for others, not for themselves. They are truly all around us. They feed the hungry, they donate their time and money, they empathize with us when we need it, and they do not hand us a bill in return. They do not spin webs, or lift trains, or alter things with their minds, they help us fix a flat tire, they bring a meal to a family in crisis, they mow a yard, they wash dishes, they do laundry, they share their smiles, and they share themselves. What is wrong with the world today? We are. Not so much all of us, but a majority of us are selfish enough that there is an imbalance. God gave us the choices and the power, and we abuse it, or rather we do not use it at all.

There are some very remarkable people out there. People that have sacrificed and gave to those that could not give back. They are the saints in this world. They are miracles we are looking for. They are each one of us.

Sleep well.

~Mike

Just a poem....Lasagna Poe?

A creak, a groan,
A little moan,
tick and tock,
goes the clock,
deep in the night,
the bug strikes,
without warning,
darkest morning,
intestines bubbling,
the victim struggling,
little feet in the hall,
suddenly stall,
eruptions begin,
again and again,
To the whelp,
I sprint to help,
no need to run,
the damage done,
my sleepy mind befuddled,
staring at a hall of puddles.


Ok, not really Poe caliber or quality...but a poem of lasagna and berber carpet at 1am it is, as noted earlier.

Fearless.....not feelless....

From the Daily B****
MotherTalk is hereby dubbing Friday April 27th as Fearless Friday!
"During a Blog Bonanza, bloggers everywhere write about a single topic on the same day, and on that day we’re able to click from blog to blog, reading our friends thoughts, finding new wisdom, having as close to a major conversation as blogging might allow."

In celebration of Arianna Huffington's book, On Becoming Fearless...In Love, Work, and Life, the Blog Bonanza topic is Fearless Friday.
So. Let the Bonanza begin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, so here is my fearless post....only a little late


I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of people thinking I am unintelligent. I am afraid of being cheated on. I am afraid to speak, use my voice.

The thing is that all of this has happened to me and life still goes on. I have been rejected by women that I was totally in love with. It hurt, but it did not kill me. Sometimes I feel the Source is just being merciless with me for not taking me out of the game so to speak at these episodes. I have found that love is worth having and worth giving and it is even worth being hurt over. I may never find the love I seek, but I will keep trying and not give into my fear. Sometimes it feels like it gets harder to try.

I am alone. Tonight, like every night since December, I will go to sleep alone. I will wake up alone. For some it has been longer, some not quite as long. Some will hopefully have that person that means more to them than any other with them tonight. Some will have company of convenience or comfort. This isn't to say that I am totally alone. I have my son, but I am his father. He can't fill that void and it would be unfair to ever place that burden on him. He is a child and he fills a different role. I will not always be alone. I will fight the fear, and wait for the next person that I think will be the perfect match for me. I pray that I will have the discernment this time to know....

I do not know everything. Not even close. Every time my son quizzes me about something, I learn something new. I can teach him a few new things too though. I feel like I know a lot, but I am by no means erudite. Just talking to people everyday I see that I know so very little, true minutia really. I am considered an expert in the computer field, but every day I learn a ton more. In any new gathering, I am always very quiet. First because I am naturally shy and I am always uncomfortable amongst strangers, but also because I just listen to what is being said. I am afraid to ask questions, so I try to pick up the answers amongst the din of conversation. Sometimes I laugh just because everyone else laughed, but I didn't get the joke. I am trying to change this. I do ask more questions and I am getting bolder. I know I am not unintelligent, though after reading this blog you may think so! I may be afraid of looking dumb, but I'm not afraid to try and get past it.

One of my greatest fears in any relationship is the fear of being cheated on. I am afraid that the woman I am seeing will find another man more physically attractive, more interesting to talk to, more intelligent, more into her and her interests than I am, and obviously more sexually appealing. What I find is that this fear begins to make me unattractive, controlling, and very difficult to be around. Consequently I have been in a few relationships where the woman has cheated on me. Now, this hasn't been totally because of my fear. Any person that resorts to cheating while in a relationship with someone else obviously has their own issues. However, with respect to me, this is a fear that I need to face and conquer if I want to have a relationship at all. Somehow I need to find a way to TRUST again. Truly trust knowing that I could be hurt, but knowing that if I don't I will be alone and that will hurt more. Sometimes I get tired of always trying to do the right thing. Sometimes it seems like I run into a lot of people that consistently do not do the right thing and they appear better off for it. In the past few months, I have succumbed to the desire to do the wrong thing. I am sorry for it. It only feels good for a moment, then regret sets in when I realize that compromised my values for something that was totally not worth the effort. In the process I have made some enemies of some people that I think are pretty spectacular, even though they have not really treated me all that well.

I am afraid to speak, to use my voice. I am afraid to say I am angry, or sad, or overly happy, or excited, or disappointed. I am afraid of what people will think of me. Now, if you read this blog, you will see that I'm working on this. It is not easy. Some people that know me, know that I am not always this way. At work I am not afraid, but I am the expert there and a lot of people depend on my knowledge and my voice on Technical matters. Political is a whole different game though. Relationships too. Social gatherings are another. Each setting has unique characteristics, and I have a different level of fear for each on. In relationships I am afraid to say what I think sometimes because it may be contrary to my partner, cause a rift, and cause the relationship to end. This is where I need to be braver though and be true to who I am. If someone disagrees with me so much that they do not want to see me anymore, well that has got to be a good thing. If I do not say anything, then I will not know and neither will they. Mostly, I have to believe that I have a lot to offer, that I am worth being around, worth listening to, worth trusting in, and worth loving. I have accepted too much in the past thinking that I was the problem. What I ended up with was a ton of pain, trying to make connections work that just could not.

I do not know, but I would not think any of us are fearless. I think that in the process of trying to be fearless, you become feelless. No, it is not a word, but I do not know how you can be without fear and still feel emotion, empathy, sympathy.

I like what Monty said in her blog The Daily B****:
"It's hard to try. It's hard, knowing that I will fail sometimes. It's hard, knowing that I have to take that first step even though I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. That's why I am fearless. Because I'll take the step."

I went to Utah in February to go snowboarding. Snowboarding is chicken soup for my soul. Being in the Rocky Mountains is just inspiring all by itself. I made an effort to talk to everyone I ran into. It was hard, but I did it. I joined a couple of social groups locally. I always felt like only I liked to do the things I do, but now I have found a bunch of folks that are into the same things. I go to happy hours and just converse with people I do not know and I love making the new friends. I'm on a softball team now for the first time in years. We had practice today and it was awesome. I will be starting volleyball soon too. Kickball in the fall, though I went to a game Wednesday! It was great. Just FUN. Played flipcup for the first time after the game and had a blast! I still cannot stay out as late or do nearly as much as I would like because I am a father and those duties remain what they have been. But it has been very good to get out more.


Now you know a little more about the little man behind the curtain....

~Mike

Lighter post for an angry day....

Tonight my son and I are shopping in the grocery store. He is still upset, but getting over it. I'm collecting ingredients for my lasagna. He is busy telling me he doesn't like lasagna. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to give him lasagna anyway. five years ago, the boy got sick after eating lasagna and threw up all the way down our hallway, on berber carpet. Oh, the joy of trying to get red sauce and partially digested ricotta cheese out of berber carpet at 1am. There is a poem in there somewhere, Edgar Allen Poe style I am sure. I ask him to pick a box of juices as we pass that aisle. He catches up on the next aisle. He then sees the box is partially open. He wants to put it back and I say "go ahead." He catches up as I am searching for Ricotta cheese. It has been a while. I am afraid to ask what he has been doing. He sees I am not going to ask, so he decides to share his adventure with me. Apparently he was carrying the caprisun box with two hands, one on each end, and the box cracked in half and spilled all of the drinks out. Calmly, I tell him that is not possible. He is adamant that it is. He starts to explain, but I ask him if someone came to help clean it up. He says yes. I say ok, that is all I really need to know, now help me find some ricotta cheese. He then got to pick out some Ben & Jerry's ice cream and we made it home without some other calamity occurring. :-)

Good Night!

~Mike

Nothing like....

picking up a very sad and crying nine year old boy from daycare.

Got some ice cream from the grocery and I made a lasagna that is cooking in the oven. The ice cream cheered him up a little.

Wonder what tomorrow will be like.

~Mike

Selfishness....A rant....read only at your own risk....

Today was cool and gray. It matches my mood, or maybe it set my mood. I am very frustrated and feeling quite a bit hopeless. That means that most of this entry is going to be a feel sorry for me type of post. In some ways I am very angry. Writing is just an outlet for it and I hope it works.

For the past six years I have been the sole care provider for my son. He is now nine years old. People are really good at admiring my dedication, telling me how lucky he is to have such a caring father, etc. My son is a somewhat special needs child. There is a conference happening at school right now for the special education committee where they are discussing my son specifically. He is a Catch 33 child. Huh? He can't really stay in a normal class due to emotional/behavioral issues. He is far too smart to be put in a special program for emotional/behavioral issues, his grades are too good. He may qualify intellectually for the gifted program, but his emotional/behavioral issues prevent him from going there too. He doesn't belong. I am going insane. I cannot find a diagnosis, neither can any professional I take him too. Experimentation and observation have been the rules of this game for a long time. Even a week of observation in a psychiatric ward only produced a change in medication, but no diagnosis, or change of diagnosis. Half of the problem I have right now is that I have no help. I get advice, but no help. What does this mean? Well, getting links to websites, getting advice of other people to go to, more information about this malady or that emotional problem does not actually give me another set of hands for me to be able to act on it. It does not give me another set of eyes day to day. It does not give me another thinking body that actually wants to be able to work with Brandon, is willing to be a little less selfish and actually DO something. So I have to take time off from work to get Brandon here, or there. I do not have anyone that can pick him up and get him into a family setting so that I can also get back to work to make up hours. My vacation is nill and stays there. Time to myself? No one wants Brandon. No one. Brandon comes home and is crying, tears streaming, about how he just wants to come home, not have to go to daycare. He is too young, I cannot let him. It is just me there to comfort him. People give me numbers of other daycare providers, etc, but no homes, no help, no time, no offers to feed or comfort a lonely child whose situation is not his making, and lots of condolences but no real compassion or empathy for either of us. Should I just send him to his mother, a two parent home, who has not paid me any child support in six years? Granted, she cleans stalls at a barn and has no money and I feel it is better for Brandon that she at least try to take him for the summers rather than try to extract money from her. He needs his mom. He deserves better. I am so tired, so drained, an empty shell. I try so hard to be energetic and optimistic for him everyday. Somehow, I tend to attract and date selfish women. I'm not saying all women are, not by a long shot. I was told of a woman that married an entertainer knowing he had ALS. They had four daughters to care for between them and yet she married him anyway. That is Love. I drive back and forth to Maryland every weekend for over a year, spend weekends mowing grass, painting a house, doing other handyman stuff, buying dinners, feeding six children, photographing them, videoing them, getting them breakfast and ready for school while their mom does hot yoga, ferry children back and forth to various practices, spending weekends with five children at swim meets, WORKING at the damn swim meets, creating DVDs for three families so that everyone could see the pictures and videos of her amazing children, and so much more. That was love bordering on stupidity. Ok, it was stupid. What did I get in return? Selfishness. Shame on me. I didn't have to do all that she reminds me. She tells me that to have a relationship, I need to provide a solution for Brandon. She sends me links on the Internet, tells me to see this person or that person, but there are no hands to help, there is no time invested actually doing something to help me get there. Just direction and criticism and lies and betrayal. Jealousy when I do try to do something for me, passive-aggressive reactions, or outright refusal to help. Shame on me for not seeing it sooner right? Another person I dated said I need to have a live in nanny, then her and I might be able to have a relationship. At least she was honest. Another person said that I needed to send Brandon to boarding school so that I could be available when she needed me. Does this sound like a nightmare? It is. I hate it. But hey, the nightmare gets worse. One set of grandparents no longer can help me at all because of health problems. The other set doesn't want to in order to spite me. Brandon's mom says she cannot take him at all this summer since her husband will be away. So, how do you look for a date, a mate, when you have a special needs child around all the time and I am the only one who wants him? All I want is to have a family to come home to every night, to participate in the sports and activities of our children, help them with their homework and their other problems, cook dinner, spend weekends creating memories, and to just truly love and appreciate the very special person who wants to be with me, who will stick together regardless of the maladies and roadblocks in the way and work with me to invest in a future, our dreams. I'm sure there are many people out there but how do you find them? Where are they? How do you distinguish them from some of the other people that I loved but lied to me? How do I do this when I can barely get out for a date? How do I do this when money seems to just be pouring into doctors that can't help?

So you see, you were warned, a selfish rant, full of self-pity.

The good thing is that I feel a little better. Writing always does that. Now, time to go work out for a bit.

~Mike

Each and every breath....

Is precious. Too precious to waste. A friend wrote me today to let me know her Grandmother had died. She asks the question about what we would do differently if we knew that this day or this month, or this season would be our last. What she wrote was beautiful and I will post it when I get her permission. Of course, we don't know when we have lived our last moment, day, month, or season. What would you do differently to change your immediate world? Do you approach everyone and everything with the idea that there is just HERE, NOW? What would you do differently if you did not have a later to make things right? Is it worth throwing away the important people and events in your life for the less important and more temporal, thinking you can make it up or start again later? What is truly the most important things or people to you right now? Do they know this? Do you show it?

Tonight Brandon and I met a group of parents at the Silver Diner. We had a great time just eating and talking. It was Super Hero night and we collaborated for the answers to a sheet of super hero trivia. Brandon was the star, he knew most of the answers. Two of the boys received comic books from a raffle. As parents we talked about our various parental issues and vowed to help each other out, make more events together, and take lots of trips to Busch Gardens! :-)

guten abent, aufwiederschreiben!

~Mike

Reflections - Flashback - Perceptions

I woke up this morning at 3am and could not sleep any longer. After a hour and a half I have given up. A good friend, a single mom, asked me for my thoughts when her 3 year old told her that "you are my mommy and my daddy." What a precious and perceptive thing for a 3 to recognize. A little sad too that he knows things are different for them than other homes.

A few weeks after Brandon's mom left, Brandon was four and half years old, I was taking down some painful pictures. Brandon piped in his little voice, "Does this mean we are not a family anymore?" I answered, "No kiddo, you and I are a family, the family just changed a little bit." I really did not know what to say. He has recognized, like my friend's son, that I am both mother and father and that our family is different than other families.

The thing is, I cannot do both roles. Not well. I'm sure a good part of his problems stem from my inability to provide him all the nurture he is entitled to. Most professionals and other parents I am sure would adamantly disagree, but I am the one that sees things day to day, every day. I'm not the super dad that can do all things and I know I fall short in some areas where a mother would be able to help out. Like his dad, Brandon craves affection. More than likely he always will. I am affectionate with him, and he is always very clingy to me, but it is not the same relationship that a son would have to his mother. I know better than most what that really means. This doesn't mean that I'm not putting forth all that I can or that his problems are all my fault, but not having a mother and being in daycare most of his life are certainly not ideal. So I trudge on, trying to make the best of each day, hoping in some small way that it will make a difference.

It is Tuesday. Superhero night at the Silver Diners around Hampton Roads. A great time for the kids.

Ok, off to exercise my worries away and then find some good coffee like yesterday. :-)

~Mike

DARE you!

I was just reading a post at Cynical Dad: Sponges That Speak and it reminded me of something funny I should have posted weeks ago. The DARE program at Brandon's school tries to teach the children about drugs, why they are bad, and more. Brandon would come home and quiz me about all of this stuff. A few days after they finished this program one of the children in his class had a birthday party. There were helium filled balloons there of course. So what do all of these children that just learned about inhalants and displacing oxygen do? They all suck the helium out of their balloons and turn their already high pitched voices up a few notches....

ok, time for bed.

~Mike

Fish Stories....

Well, the Betta fish, named Thunder, is doing quite well after one week. The Goldfish, Lightning, is not. In fact, Lightning flashed and faded rather quickly. We'll get another this week and try again.

Good night!

~Mike