Saturday, April 28, 2007

Fearless.....not feelless....

From the Daily B****
MotherTalk is hereby dubbing Friday April 27th as Fearless Friday!
"During a Blog Bonanza, bloggers everywhere write about a single topic on the same day, and on that day we’re able to click from blog to blog, reading our friends thoughts, finding new wisdom, having as close to a major conversation as blogging might allow."

In celebration of Arianna Huffington's book, On Becoming Fearless...In Love, Work, and Life, the Blog Bonanza topic is Fearless Friday.
So. Let the Bonanza begin.

Ok, so here is my fearless post....only a little late

I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of people thinking I am unintelligent. I am afraid of being cheated on. I am afraid to speak, use my voice.

The thing is that all of this has happened to me and life still goes on. I have been rejected by women that I was totally in love with. It hurt, but it did not kill me. Sometimes I feel the Source is just being merciless with me for not taking me out of the game so to speak at these episodes. I have found that love is worth having and worth giving and it is even worth being hurt over. I may never find the love I seek, but I will keep trying and not give into my fear. Sometimes it feels like it gets harder to try.

I am alone. Tonight, like every night since December, I will go to sleep alone. I will wake up alone. For some it has been longer, some not quite as long. Some will hopefully have that person that means more to them than any other with them tonight. Some will have company of convenience or comfort. This isn't to say that I am totally alone. I have my son, but I am his father. He can't fill that void and it would be unfair to ever place that burden on him. He is a child and he fills a different role. I will not always be alone. I will fight the fear, and wait for the next person that I think will be the perfect match for me. I pray that I will have the discernment this time to know....

I do not know everything. Not even close. Every time my son quizzes me about something, I learn something new. I can teach him a few new things too though. I feel like I know a lot, but I am by no means erudite. Just talking to people everyday I see that I know so very little, true minutia really. I am considered an expert in the computer field, but every day I learn a ton more. In any new gathering, I am always very quiet. First because I am naturally shy and I am always uncomfortable amongst strangers, but also because I just listen to what is being said. I am afraid to ask questions, so I try to pick up the answers amongst the din of conversation. Sometimes I laugh just because everyone else laughed, but I didn't get the joke. I am trying to change this. I do ask more questions and I am getting bolder. I know I am not unintelligent, though after reading this blog you may think so! I may be afraid of looking dumb, but I'm not afraid to try and get past it.

One of my greatest fears in any relationship is the fear of being cheated on. I am afraid that the woman I am seeing will find another man more physically attractive, more interesting to talk to, more intelligent, more into her and her interests than I am, and obviously more sexually appealing. What I find is that this fear begins to make me unattractive, controlling, and very difficult to be around. Consequently I have been in a few relationships where the woman has cheated on me. Now, this hasn't been totally because of my fear. Any person that resorts to cheating while in a relationship with someone else obviously has their own issues. However, with respect to me, this is a fear that I need to face and conquer if I want to have a relationship at all. Somehow I need to find a way to TRUST again. Truly trust knowing that I could be hurt, but knowing that if I don't I will be alone and that will hurt more. Sometimes I get tired of always trying to do the right thing. Sometimes it seems like I run into a lot of people that consistently do not do the right thing and they appear better off for it. In the past few months, I have succumbed to the desire to do the wrong thing. I am sorry for it. It only feels good for a moment, then regret sets in when I realize that compromised my values for something that was totally not worth the effort. In the process I have made some enemies of some people that I think are pretty spectacular, even though they have not really treated me all that well.

I am afraid to speak, to use my voice. I am afraid to say I am angry, or sad, or overly happy, or excited, or disappointed. I am afraid of what people will think of me. Now, if you read this blog, you will see that I'm working on this. It is not easy. Some people that know me, know that I am not always this way. At work I am not afraid, but I am the expert there and a lot of people depend on my knowledge and my voice on Technical matters. Political is a whole different game though. Relationships too. Social gatherings are another. Each setting has unique characteristics, and I have a different level of fear for each on. In relationships I am afraid to say what I think sometimes because it may be contrary to my partner, cause a rift, and cause the relationship to end. This is where I need to be braver though and be true to who I am. If someone disagrees with me so much that they do not want to see me anymore, well that has got to be a good thing. If I do not say anything, then I will not know and neither will they. Mostly, I have to believe that I have a lot to offer, that I am worth being around, worth listening to, worth trusting in, and worth loving. I have accepted too much in the past thinking that I was the problem. What I ended up with was a ton of pain, trying to make connections work that just could not.

I do not know, but I would not think any of us are fearless. I think that in the process of trying to be fearless, you become feelless. No, it is not a word, but I do not know how you can be without fear and still feel emotion, empathy, sympathy.

I like what Monty said in her blog The Daily B****:
"It's hard to try. It's hard, knowing that I will fail sometimes. It's hard, knowing that I have to take that first step even though I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. That's why I am fearless. Because I'll take the step."

I went to Utah in February to go snowboarding. Snowboarding is chicken soup for my soul. Being in the Rocky Mountains is just inspiring all by itself. I made an effort to talk to everyone I ran into. It was hard, but I did it. I joined a couple of social groups locally. I always felt like only I liked to do the things I do, but now I have found a bunch of folks that are into the same things. I go to happy hours and just converse with people I do not know and I love making the new friends. I'm on a softball team now for the first time in years. We had practice today and it was awesome. I will be starting volleyball soon too. Kickball in the fall, though I went to a game Wednesday! It was great. Just FUN. Played flipcup for the first time after the game and had a blast! I still cannot stay out as late or do nearly as much as I would like because I am a father and those duties remain what they have been. But it has been very good to get out more.

Now you know a little more about the little man behind the curtain....



  1. Good for you! You NEED those outlets...take advantage of them and DON'T feel guilty for wanting time for yourself!


    I agree with Jules, she's been a single parent for a long time herself and knows what she's talking about. :)

    Just like the first cut is the deepest...the first step is the hardest. And ironically, I find that admitting our fears makes us more...fearless.

    Excellent post!!

  3. Jules and Monty,
    I'm learning, slowly but surely. Now if I could only sharpen my wit to the level of either one of you! You are both inspiring. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more from both of you in the future.


  4. You are a great writer. You really know how to express thoughts that most people cannot.

    There are days I go back to things I wrote a while back and really like how they came out. This will be one post for you.

    Nice to have a blog to express ourselves, isn't it?


  5. Steve,
    I found when my marriage was falling apart that writing was a catharsis that helped me deal with something I did not think I could deal with. Mostly I used poetry extract the incredibly negative emotions I had and put them somewhere else.

    I turned to blogging several months ago to help me deal with a particularly crushing situation and to help me find other parents dealing with some of the issues I have with my son. I don't feel like a great writer as I never really seem to be able to capture and portray exactly what I want. Sometimes I get closer than others. I have met some great writers, and have found some through the many blogs out there, like yours. I get a little inspiration and learn a little with everyone I meet.

    So the blogging is a great way to let people I know and don't know what is going on with my life, what I am feeling, and hopefully connect with others that can help or need help.

    It has helped to go back through some posts, like a diary. Some I have pulled because they were overflowing with venom, animosity, and self-pity. Emotions run amok and in many ways letting them ruin my life. I'm working hard on recovery now! :-) My son leaves in one week and I'll be free for the rest of the summer! The last half of this school year has nearly killed me. I guess if I recover I'll be stronger right?

    I have found that pictures and videos are awesome to go back to as well. I make slide shows, dvds, movies,etc. Looking back at my son from the time he was born until now almost always brings tears to my eyes. I can't believe how much and how fast he changes.



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