Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Reflections - Flashback - Perceptions

I woke up this morning at 3am and could not sleep any longer. After a hour and a half I have given up. A good friend, a single mom, asked me for my thoughts when her 3 year old told her that "you are my mommy and my daddy." What a precious and perceptive thing for a 3 to recognize. A little sad too that he knows things are different for them than other homes.

A few weeks after Brandon's mom left, Brandon was four and half years old, I was taking down some painful pictures. Brandon piped in his little voice, "Does this mean we are not a family anymore?" I answered, "No kiddo, you and I are a family, the family just changed a little bit." I really did not know what to say. He has recognized, like my friend's son, that I am both mother and father and that our family is different than other families.

The thing is, I cannot do both roles. Not well. I'm sure a good part of his problems stem from my inability to provide him all the nurture he is entitled to. Most professionals and other parents I am sure would adamantly disagree, but I am the one that sees things day to day, every day. I'm not the super dad that can do all things and I know I fall short in some areas where a mother would be able to help out. Like his dad, Brandon craves affection. More than likely he always will. I am affectionate with him, and he is always very clingy to me, but it is not the same relationship that a son would have to his mother. I know better than most what that really means. This doesn't mean that I'm not putting forth all that I can or that his problems are all my fault, but not having a mother and being in daycare most of his life are certainly not ideal. So I trudge on, trying to make the best of each day, hoping in some small way that it will make a difference.

It is Tuesday. Superhero night at the Silver Diners around Hampton Roads. A great time for the kids.

Ok, off to exercise my worries away and then find some good coffee like yesterday. :-)


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