A seriously funny idea...

I scan technical news all the time. It is a sort of professional necessity. Well, this item was particularly funny. In college (er, at VT, please remember them) I used to put my alarm clock where I couldn't reach it and I had to climb out of my loft to shut it up. An umbrella soon fixed that self-induced torture. Just to hit snooze mind you, not to break it. Well, someone has invented an alarm clock that runs away and hides after you hit the snooze button. :-)

Here's the link ALARM


Mike

First day back at school....

not that anyone would read or notice, but Brandon had his first day back at school today. One of his teachers said he had a great day. I haven't heard from the other yet. Why is this even significant? Well, Brandon does well one on one, but put him in a large group, and then put demands like changing activities constantly, having to listen to teachers and other students, and having to follow strict rules without constant prodding and you have a very stressful situation for Brandon. My concerns have been on how Brandon would do after being in a place where it was strictly controlled but one on one and fairly relaxed for a week. It looks like he did fine. I will probably get more feedback tomorrow. It stresses me out too. I keep hoping for the best, but it seems I'm constantly disappointed. Even with all the professional involvement, it just seems to repeat.

Have a great night.

Mike

Sunday...A sunny day despite the rain...

I've had a gnawing hunger of late. It hasn't been for the pancakes I made this morning. It has been more for the spiritual path I have left untended for far too long. It is overgrown and unrecognizable. So today I brought out a machete and began to hack away at the barriers. Brandon and I went to Church for the first time in several years. I've been working hard to get out and meet some new people, people interested in talking, sharing, softball, volleyball, kayaking, kickball, anything active, and anything social. People like me, or sort of like me in some ways. It has been revitalizing. There have been a few mis-steps so to speak, but overall it has been great. It is so nice to go some where with a group and have people that recognize me, want to talk to me, want me to participate in things with them, and are happy to have me there. Some of those people invited me to Church and I went today. Brandon and I both had a great time. As with all things with God, somehow the timing seemed right and the environment seemed right. The message was clear for the first time in recent memory, probably because I was open to it.

Brandon loved being in their children's church. Not too bad for a first impression. :-) He also got a gold fish out of the deal as the church gave them away with the message today. So, one aquarium, one betta bowl, one betta fish, and some fish food later, we are now the proud caretakers of a betta and a gold fish. Brandon read through all the directions and is taking care of them. The filter on the aquarium provides white noise too, so an added bonus at bed time.

We had Ice Cream with some of my new friends today. We had great conversation along with it. Brandon got to meet a few new children as well.

We went to the mall and shopped for a bit before going to see Meet the Robinsons. It is a great movie, but I could tell it touched Brandon. The movie dealt with the issue of mother abandonment, which Brandon feels acutely. Slowly I think he is coming to terms with the idea that his family is just he and I and that he is ok to have the feelings that he does. The movie ends showing that the outcome of these situations is never hopeless and to keep moving forward even when you may not want to. That is a message most of us could probably use.

I hope everyone had a great weekend.

~mike

Great Song.....

Something to believe in, Something worth fighting for, Something worth working for, the only thing worth having in this life.....

"Far Away" by Nickelback

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

What I desperately want...

Is to remember how to laugh without forcing it, how to smile without making myself do it, and how to just be me without caring who else is around or what anyone else is doing. I want to remember what it is to just have fun for the fun of it. I want to remember how to get back in touch with who and what I really am.

~Mike

Leave Glamour and Sexy at the door....Weekend mornings at least

Weekend mornings for me usually mean getting some kind of wakeup greeting from my son. Not entirely unwelcome, but not entirely looked forward to either. Shortly after making it to my feet I'm off to the kitchen. What's for breakfast? Eggs? Bacon? Sausage? Grits? Pancakes? Waffles? Biscuits? I love breakfast. I love making breakfast. Especially for large groups, but since it is just my son and I, I make do cooking for one and a half.

Today it was waffles, sausage, and bacon mixed with an unhealthy portion of log cabin syrup. Orange juice was the beverage of choice.

Afterwards we went to the YMCA for my workout. I'm getting a bit of a cold so I took a short nap while my son played a few games.

We bought a lawnmower today, seeing as I no longer have one to borrow. I did not think that I would be able to mow since it was raining this morning, but it rained for just a short bit and the afternoon dried out nicely. The lawn is now neatly trimmed, and getting the lawnmower from store to operation was actually really simple. We rented a few movies this afternoon too, and bought some snacks to eat with them. I ordered a pizza and we had a great movie time together.

After dinner and the movie we played catch on the freshly mowed ball field (otherwise known as the front yard). Brandon is getting really good. Brandon also joined a few neighbor children in some volleyball. Life is just about back to normal.

I suppose that I could be really angry with Brandon's mom for moving on with her life and sort of leaving Brandon behind. The reality is that it is her loss. My only agitation is that it makes it harder for me to rebuild and move on with mine. The best thing I can do for Brandon is to have a two parent home again. You cannot order those though. There is no Mastercard commercial for finding your significant other. That is, buy this, do this, manage this, and you get the priceless love that you want, for everything else there is Mastercard. It certainly is not Brandon's mom's fault that I have not gotten married again, so I really have no cause to be angry with her. Even if she decided to have more children, that is totally her call. The truth is, if I lament about what she is doing or not doing, I'm really doing Brandon a disservice. I would be missing the opportunities that are in front of me to make Brandon's life and mine better than ever, sort of throwing them away just because of my anger with his mom.

Tomorrow is Sunday. Pancakes for breakfast I am certain. Church for the first time in ages. I'm struggling, desperately struggling, to pull myself back together after the last six months. Ice Cream Sunday afternoon. It is supposed to rain. Meet the Robinsons possibly? Maybe some live music Sunday night. No glamour, nothing sexy, just parenting on a daily basis.

~Mike

Evaporation...

Parenting is a difficult dirty business. Middle of the night wake ups, vomiting, calls from school, first loves, school frustrations, laundry, dishes, mowing, raking, cleaning, and much much more. It is supposed to be a two person job. Brandon's mom's parents have health problems and they can no longer help me in any way due to his current outbursts. My father is a narcissistic overbearing person that expects me to follow his orders and I can no longer deal with that. Brandon's mom has said that she will not be able to deal with him this summer so he has to stay with me. I have some good friends, but no one that can take the place of a co-parent, a spouse, that special person that sticks with you no matter what, the person that will build a life with you and wants to be with you and doesn't care what the rest of the world is doing.

My son is home from the hospital. I don't know what tomorrow will be like. I don't know what school will be like next week. It will just be my son and I dealing with it, that I do know.

Happy Easter...

I get to spend two hours today with my son during lunch at the hospital. It is a special day because it is Easter. We had a family session yesterday for half an hour and then regular visitation last night for an hour. It snowed yesterday and Brandon would have loved to have been out in it, scraping up enough snow for a snowball, and throwing it at me. I really missed him then. They do expect him to be discharged Thursday. I can't wait, and I pray they make progress this week on what is happening with him.

Happy Easter everyone.

~Mike

Life is just not fair....

I put my son under inpatient psychiatric care today for at least the next week. He has had uncontrollable outbursts over the past couple of weeks. He had one yesterday in school and another one this morning. I feel like an awful parent, and leaving him there today was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I just really hope that we can figure out what is happening and come up with some solutions so that he can at least have a normal life at some point.

~Mike

I'm drained...

So is my son. He threw a huge temper tantrum in the car on the way home tonight, and this is after one he threw Saturday night where I had to go get him from his grandparents. I have scratch marks and bruises all over. I took him to the emergency room, again. They had to help me restrain him. A great police officer helped us out and helped to calm him. The crisis psych person on staff thinks he may be mis-diagnosed with his ADHD. His counselor thinks he may be mis-diagnosed as well. The crisis person tonight believes he may be bi-polar, which can sometimes look like ADHD, but in children it is hard to diagnose because it may manifest itself in varied ways. If they would have asked tonight if he needed to go inpatient, I would have said yes. They did not. Hopefully we can see his doctor tomorrow. Is there no help out there for this?

~Mike~