Virtual Reality

"This isn't me." It's what I've had to say to several people lately. This summer in particular. With a few of my last posts you may have come up with several stereotypical conceptions about me. :-) "The picture you see, is no portrait of me, It's too real to be shown, to someone I don't know." (New Order, "Round and Round")

Goal 1 this summer: No serious dating and no relationships.
Why? First, I forget some of the trendy psycho-analyst terms, but my mindset, and most women I meet love this, is that I will put their needs first. I will turn the world inside out to meet an expectation. I will put off all of my needs to meet hers. Everything really becomes about doing the right things for her. For most women this is exciting, but after a while becomes a bit daunting. My Psycho friend,er psycho-analyst friend Robin tells me this. My friend Jamie, an LCSW, says the same. I can see it happening all the time and it's like my mind just kicks into gear while I'm sitting back saying "we don't have to do this, I'm going surfing" and the other side says "oh, but yes we do." And then I don't go surfing and instead head out with this other person to go shoe shopping so some such thing. It's not just in relationships. This past week I was on vacation, but was working on work issues at one point at 3am. I saw a cartoon on Jamie's refrigerator that showed a woman at a bar speaking to a man "I'm not going to lower my standards to raise your self-esteem." So true. It is a self-esteem issue with me.
[edited to add]
This song just came up in the playlist, Emerson Hart "Flying", and there are few lines that describe some of the above:
Meeting new interesting person - "Here comes the wind let your string unwind, run as fast as you can in your mind."

Beginning, Middle, and End of relationship -
"So I took your hand and you took mine
And we waltzed together in time
But looking back I guess I didn't know
That I was in love and you were letting go"
[end of edit]


Goal 2: Surf, dive, sports, whatever.
I have plenty of people that look at me like I've got two heads when I tell them about the sports I'm involved in. Hey, I enjoy it. I mean I REALLY enjoy it. Every minute. I've got alcohol that sits on my shelf for years without being opened, but all of my sports equipment has to be replaced on a regular basis. I know I'm not doing enough when I don't have to replace my shoes every 3-6 months. My new hero is Dara Torres. I'm not in that kind of shape, and I probably don't have the time (and money, read about what it costs to have that kind of staff) to get there, but I'm working on being in just a little bit better shape (and I'm getting a tan despite my spf 30 sunblock).

In between the rest I like to hang out with friends to make some stronger bonds and make new friends, flirt, joke, and generally have a good time.

So, contrary to a post from Friday where I was trying to make you jealous, most of the time it's me that is jealous. My reality is that I have incredible son that needs my help more than most. I don't have weekends or nights off during the school year. The people I hang out with right now pretty much don't see me from September through the first half of June. There are changes I could make, but my son is the most stable he has ever been right now with the professional support I have in Virginia Beach. I don't want to make any changes that would affect that. There are a lot of other factors that swirl around this that I won't go into. When people get too close to this reality I can start to see them mentally breaking down and backing away. They just can't fathom it. They get frustrated. When they see my son playing he looks normal. They don't see him breaking down in a classroom screaming, throwing things while the teacher is evacuating the rest of the class. They don't see where he just gets overwhelmed by the other kids and activities at daycare to the point he just can't take it anymore and explodes, then hides. They don't understand that. I only partially understand, and really only just recently.

I miss my son right now. It's him I want to take to the beach with me today to kayak in the ocean. It's him I want on the surfboard for the first time today, pushing the board so that he can catch a wave. I don't WANT to do it by myself. I'd love to have that partner that could switch in and out with me, taking turns paddling and cheering the children on (yes, I would love for there to be more than one, even with the challenges that brings).

I'd love to have my son running in and out of the house playing with the neighborhood kids. That is hard to do when you have to work 25 miles away 8 hrs a day, five days a week. Daycare is where he would be most of the summer. At his mom's he either goes to work with her or stays home with her husband when he's home. He gets to play with his friends down there a lot more than he would get to here.

And this is why I now need to get moving and get out of the house today. When I'm alone I start to go downhill.

It's Saturday, I think, so have a great one!