Thursday, May 03, 2007

I'm not superman....

Several years ago, I first heard Five for Fighting's "Superman (It's not easy)" and it really resonated with me. I was a single parent even then. I was spending my evenings teaching my son to swim, catch, throw, hit, duel with lightsabers, and much more. I was also trying to pay off $45K of consumer debt. I was trying to take college courses to get my degree. AND I was working full time as a Systems / Security Engineer. When my son went to bed, I was networked into customer systems, on the phone with customers, building lab models for migrations and evaluating new products, and I never slept. I took online courses through Strayer. Hell, I was also dating. I had customers that thought I was superman with networks, and they literally cheered when I walked through the door. The song resonated with me because I was tired and I knew I was not superman, I did not want to be superman. My son expected me to be superman for him. I tried to be superman for the women I dated, and they let me of course. I tried so hard not to let anyone down, to be selfless, and I couldn't say no. Things started falling apart of course. My son had his problems with behavior and school. My work wanted me to do more not less, so I was looking for another job. I finished paying off my debt. I found a job in Maryland that worked 8 hours a day and I could NOT work from home. I finished my degree. I stopped dating for a while, and honestly I shouldn't have started back again. Once I finally got somethings off my plate, I could just be that much more superman for the women I went out with, and that has been my biggest mistake.

Today I feel like I have kryptonite shackled around my neck. I have two separate doctor appointments for my son tomorrow. For the first time ever I am seriously contemplating sending my son to his mom's. She has come a long way and he would have a two parent home there. It has got to be better than being here. My strength is waning more everyday. I mentioned this to her a few days ago and she is very receptive to the idea, probably for the child support I would send more than anything though. I don't want to try and fly any more. I want to cry and bleed like everyone else. I am tired of coming to the rescue. I have seen people take the selfish road and come out the better for it. Sometimes I get tired of always doing the right thing and making the sacrifices, I'm tired of it being expected of me, and I'm tired of being taken advantage of.

There is a line in the song that has a special meaning for me too. I'm a Navy brat. Asking me where I am from is one of the harder questions for me to answer. "Find a way to lie, about a home I'll never see."

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me


  1. Oh, and after you get that, please erase the comment with my email address...cuz very very few people have access to my REAL name. M'kay?

  2. Do what you gotta do...I don't know the back story with your ex-wife...but if she's got a good support network, maybe she could at least share the responsibility a little more.
    But don't give up! You don't have to be Superman...besides, those tights always looked sort of gay to me.


  3. I would've emailed this, but your email addy doesn't show up on my haloscan! :)

    It's funny you should mention joost, I've already got it! hehe
    You've already got an invite, or do you need one? I think I've got a couple left...


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